


I've Got You To Help Me Forgive

by HazelGraceLancaster394



Series: You're My Best Friend [1]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Developing Friendships, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Violence, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-05-15 08:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 40,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19291591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelGraceLancaster394/pseuds/HazelGraceLancaster394
Summary: "He cracked his knuckles, booted up his laptop and had been scrolling mindlessly through Tumblr for a few minutes when he received the notification:JoeMazzelloIsBored has uploaded.Ben grinned to himself slightly as he clicked on it and a teenaged boy with reddish-brown hair and an infectious smile appeared on the screen; maybe his day wasn't going so badly after all."*Or the internet friends AU no one asked for





	1. In which Ben is an alien spy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laminy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laminy/gifts), [ahopper84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahopper84/gifts), [aplacetoland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aplacetoland/gifts).



> Italics indicate typed messages 
> 
> Messages with a line through them were never sent

 

Ben slammed the door to his room and strode over to his bed, collapsing onto it with a heavy sigh. The cruel words from earlier were still reverberating around his brain but he tried to push them to the back of his mind for now.

He cracked his knuckles, booted up his laptop and had been scrolling mindlessly through Tumblr for a few minutes when he received the notification:

_JoeMazzelloIsBored has uploaded_

Ben grinned to himself slightly as he clicked on it and a teenaged boy with reddish-brown hair and an infectious smile appeared on the screen; maybe his day wasn't going so badly after all.

"Hey everyone," the boy on Ben's laptop screen leaned back in his chair. "This is probably a terrible idea but I'm going to be attempting some of Roger Taylor's hardest falsetto parts. Shout out to my friend Rami for suggesting it and prepare to have your ears blessed."

Ben shifted closer to the screen as Joe began to sing the operatic section of Bohemian Rhapsody. He sounded a little like a strangled cat and Ben clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter.

Discovering this Queen fan account while watching YouTube one cold, dark evening had given Ben a temporary distraction from the harsh realities of high school. While watching Joe's videos, Ben could laugh and forget about his problems for a moment as he watched Joe attempt increasingly ridiculous Queen-themed challenges or play covers of their songs on his bass guitar. More than once, Ben had found himself joining in on his old drum kit.

"Anyway I think it's best I end this now before I either break my voice or everyone else's ears. Links to my Instagram and Twitter are in the description so come and talk to me if you'd like. I'll see you next week." Joe waved at the camera and the video ended.

Ben checked the description of the video, pausing over the link to Joe's Instagram. He clicked on it and glanced at the few most recent posts. Several appeared to be pictures of a baseball team with Joe seated on the front row, smiling widely. There was also a photo of an old-fashioned record player, with the Sheer Heart Attack album cover next to it. It seemed Joe agreed with Ben that the classics sounded better on vinyl.

Joe had also posted selfies with loads of different friends and family members. His smile, however, was the same in each of them. Ben marvelled at how the camera had captured the air of warmth and friendliness that Joe seemed to radiate.

Ben tore his eyes away from the photos and pressed the "follow" button before he could think too much about it. He went to message Joe:

**ben.hardy**

_~~Hi~~ _  
~~~~

_~~Hi you might have seen that I followed you.~~ _  
~~~~

_~~Don’t worry I’m not a stalker just like ur vids~~ _  
~~~~

_~~Hey how are you~~ _  
~~~~

_~~Hey how’s it going~~ _

  
Ben looked away from the screen with a sigh, mentally berating himself for being so awkward. He would never understand why he had to overthink things so much, why he couldn’t simply message Joe and tell him about the impact his videos had on Ben.

Feeling his phone vibrate, he looked back at the screen. His breath caught in his throat and he swallowed heavily.

He had a message from Joe Mazzello.

 

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Hi I saw you just followed me_

_Thought I’d DM you for a proper chat_

Ben willed himself to stay calm. It’s okay, he told himself, he doesn’t think you’re a creepy stalker or he wouldn’t have messaged you. Just be cool and reply to him like a normal person. He took a deep breath and typed: 

**ben.hardy**

_Yeah I was just about to message you_

_I watch your YouTube videos and you said to come talk to you on Instagram_

_So here I am I guess_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Here you are_

_So what’s your name?_

**ben.hardy**

_I’m Ben_

_Isn’t that kind of obvious though given my username?_

  
**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Well for all I know it could be a clever alias_

_You could be a top secret agent_

**_ben.hardy_ **

_Oh yeah I’m an alien spy_

_Sent to earth to discover the secrets of the Queen fandom_

An alien spy? Where the hell did that come from? The last thing Ben needed was to look like a weirdo in front of Joe.

**_ben.hardy_ **

_Sorry that was weird_

But then Joe replied:

  
**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Nah I’d watch that movie_

_I’d watch anything to do with Queen tbh_

  
**_ben.hardy_**

_I mean me too_

~~_I once watched a 10 minute compilation of John laughing_ ~~

Ben decided he wasn’t quite ready to share that with Joe just yet.

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Especially if Roger was in it_

_I could probably spend all day listening to him talk_

**_ben.hardy_ **

_Aha me but with John_

_S_ _o Roger’s your favourite member huh?_

_Mine’s John_

_Sorry you probably guessed that_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Yeah Roger’s my favourite member I guess_

_If you’re holding a gun to my head and making me choose_

_Hah I just thought of the line from Bohemian Rhapsody_

**ben.hardy**

_Ha I thought of that too_

_But don’t worry I would never put a gun to your head_

_I’m not a psycho_  

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_See only a psycho would feel the need to say that_

_Don’t worry I’m just messing with you_

_You don’t seem like a psycho to me_

**ben.hardy**

_How can you be so sure though_

_You barely know me_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I figured anyone who would play along with my stupid secret agent joke couldn’t be threatening_

**ben.hardy**

_Oh but that’s not a joke_

_I really am an alien plotting the invasion of the earth and the demise of humanity_

Was that too weird? He didn’t want to scare Joe off with his stupid jokes.  
“You know what, “ Ben said to himself “Screw it.” He sent the message.

  
**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Haha you’re just as weird as I am I love it_

**ben.hardy**

_I think that’s supposed to be a compliment_

_So thank you_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_It is_

_And you’re welcome_

_Cue the song from Moana_

**ben.hardy**

_Wow really_

_See yourself out immediately_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I’m sorry I had to_

**ben.hardy**

_I_ _can’t believe I was considering sparing you when I take over the world with my alien friends_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Damn I can't believe I threw away the chance at getting cool alien powers to make a stupid reference_

**ben.hardy**

_You should be ashamed_

Just then Ben heard his mother shouting up the stairs that dinner was ready. He sighed and turned back to his phone 

**ben.hardy**

_Ugh I can hear my mum calling me for dinner_

_I have to go_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Are you sure this isn’t just an excuse to ditch me_

_Because of the shitty Disney reference I made_

**ben.hardy**

_Definitely not_

_I’ll admit it was actually kind of funny_

It really wasn’t funny. But Ben didn’t like to see Joe disappointed for some reason.

**ben.hardy**

_I’ll talk to you again later?_

**_joe.mazzello.is.bored_**

_Sure_

_See you soon_

**ben.hardy**

_Bye Joe_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Bye Ben_

Ben closed his laptop and trudged down the stairs. His parents chatted idly about their days at work throughout dinner but he didn’t really take any of it in. He was too busy mentally replaying the conversation from earlier in his head.

He bowed his head to focus on his meal (in case his parents asked why he was smiling so widely) while thoughts of a boy with reddish-brown hair danced around his brain.  



	2. In which Ben is accidentally smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Rami and Joe messages Ben again

Joe woke to the blaring of his alarm clock invading his tired mind. He groaned sleepily and rolled over to turn it off, a photograph of him and his dad that rested on his bedside table catching his eye as he did so. He smiled sadly and looked away.

  
He dressed quickly and unplugged his phone from where it had been charging on his desk, skimming over his Instagram DMs as he pulled on his socks. Then he saw that Ben had messaged him.

  
**ben.hardy**

_Hey I’m back_

_Sorry I took so long my parents wanted to talk_

_Are you still here?_

Joe instantly felt guilty; he hadn’t meant to leave Ben hanging. His dad had needed his help once he got home from school and he’d temporarily forgotten all about his conversation with Ben. So he replied:

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Didn’t realise you messaged me until just now_

_~~My dad ne~~ _

_My phone died_

_Sorry if you thought I was ignoring you_

He didn’t expect Ben to reply immediately but he was still a little put out when Ben didn’t message him back straight away; the company would have been nice. Instead, forcing a smile onto his face, Joe threw open the bedroom door and headed downstairs, preparing himself for breakfast with his parents. 

*

Joe was disappointed to see that Ben still hadn’t replied when he came back from breakfast, though he tried not to let it get to him. He unlocked his front door and set off along the quiet suburban street to school. He stopped outside a house at the end of the road to wait for his friend Rami.

  
“Hey! How’s your voice holding up after that video?” Rami called in greeting as he walked out of the house, “I know my ears aren’t doing great.”

“Well let’s see you try and sing Lap Of The Gods a-capella.” Joe responded with mock indignation. “I bet you’d sound even worse than I did.” 

“Oh really? Wanna bet?”

“Actually yeah I do.” 

“Fine then-“ Rami propped his elbow on Joe’s shoulder, using him as an armrest “-let’s have a competition to see who can sing Roger Taylor’s falsettos the best.”

“What like a rap battle but with Queen songs?” 

Rami nodded. “Yeah I guess you could say that"

“That actually sounds like a great idea for a YouTube video if you’re interested. We can let the people in the comments decide who wins. But it’s gonna be me.”

“You’re on.”

They spent the rest of the walk to school arguing about who was the better singer, even though they both knew it was Rami. When they reached the entrance to school they parted with a wave and a smile. Joe headed to his locker, now feeling a little more ready to face the day.

*

The glass of the window he was leaning against felt cool against his cheek, a welcome contrast to the stuffy classroom he was sat in. He stared blankly ahead, having long since given up on trying to comprehend whatever his chemistry teacher was droning on about. And this was only his first lesson of the day. He was fucked.

After checking that Mr. Hollander had his back to the class, he retrieved his phone from his pocket and opened up Instagram. Ben had replied; Joe grinned to himself and read the message:

**ben.hardy**

_No it’s ok_

_So what are you doing now_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Dying_

Joe attempted (in vain) to concentrate on the chemistry class while he waited for Ben’s response. He didn’t have to wait long, however. 

**ben.hardy**

_Relatable_

_Any reason in particular that you’re dying_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Yeah I’m stuck in chemistry and it’s boring af_

**ben.hardy**

_Ha I’m at lunch right now so sucks to be you_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_You’re at lunch already??_

_It’s way too early_

**ben.hardy**

_Oh yeah I live in England lol_

_Guess I didn’t mention that before_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_You’re British huh?_

_Do you have a sexy accent like in all the movies_

**ben.hardy**

_I mean I’m hardly gonna describe my own voice as sexy_

_But maybe you could give me your number and let me call you to find out_

_Oh God that came across as really forward I’m so sorry_

Joe laughed out loud. Unfortunately his laugh attracted the attention of Mr. Hollander, who shot him a warning glare as he hurriedly shoved his phone into his jeans pocket.

  
He retrieved it as soon as the teacher had turned his back, however; he could only imagine how awkward Ben must be feeling and didn’t want him worrying that he’d somehow offended Joe.

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Don’t worry that was amazing_

_You just morphed into a pro flirt for a second there_

_And I bet you didn’t do it on purpose_

**ben.hardy**

_Um of course I did Joseph_

_I’m totally calm and collected and knew exactly what I was doing_

_It was all very intentional_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Uh huh_

_I believe you_

**ben.hardy**

_I don’t appreciate your sarcasm_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Wow guess you don’t want my number after all_

Joe was about to go ahead and send it anyway, until it occurred to him that, for all he knew, Ben could be some kind of crazed stalker or predator. Although the idea was highly unlikely (as Joe figured no 50 year old paedophile would play along with his ramblings about secret agents) he decided it was best to double check that Ben really was a teenager like himself:

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Ben if it’s alright can you send me a selfie?_

**ben.hardy**

_Yeah sure_

Joe inhaled sharply once he saw the photo Ben had sent, staring at it a little wide-eyed. Okay so he hadn’t expected the guy to be that handsome. His smile was gentle and reassuring and his blond hair fell into his eyes with a kind of causal elegance Joe was sure his own could never achieve. Joe had to check that this really was Ben and not just some Instagram model whose picture he had found:

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Okay so this is gonna sound really weird_

_But you said you were at lunch right?_

**ben.hardy**

_Yeah?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Can you send me a photo of you holding up a fork?_

**ben.hardy**

_Can I ask why_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I want to make sure that the guy in the picture is really you_

_And you’re not just using some random picture off the internet_

**ben.hardy**

_No problem mate whatever makes you feel comfortable_

To Joe’s immense relief, Ben provided a photo holding a fork. Reassured that Ben was a non-threatening (and apparently also very understanding) teenaged boy, Joe gave Ben his number. Ben then sent his in return.

**ben.hardy**

_Just so you’ll know it’s me who's calling you_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re just overly eager and want me to call you first_

**ben.hardy**

_Well it’s a good thing you know better then isn’t it_

_Anyway I’m gonna have to go now lunch is almost over_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Aw man now I have nothing to distract me from chemistry_

**ben.hardy**

_Is that all I am to you huh?_

_A distraction from chemistry_

_I feel worthless_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Oh no Ben_

_~~I have a feeling you’re going to become much more than just a distraction from chemistry~~ _

_Don’t put yourself down like that_

_Anyway I’ll talk to you later_

**ben.hardy**

_You know you might actually grow to like it if you give it a chance_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Huh?_

**ben.hardy**

_You know_

_The chemistry_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Oh yeah_

_Well not with a teacher like Mr. Hollander I won’t_

_His voice is so monotonous he could make even the most interesting topic seem boring_

**ben.hardy**

_Listen I’m so sorry but I really have to go the bell just rang_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Go_

_I wouldn’t want you being late to class because of me_

**ben.hardy**

_Ok_

_It’s been great talking to you though_

_I’ll call you tonight at about half 8 if that’s ok?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_What time will it be in New York?_

**ben.hardy**

_Hang on I’ll Google it_

**_joe.mazzello.is.bored_ **

_Didn’t you say you had class to get to_

**ben.hardy**

_Well I’m gonna be late anyway at this point so..._

_And it will be 3:30 in New York time_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Works for me_

_I’ll see you then_

**ben.hardy**

_See you then Joe_

 

“Mr. Mazzello that is the second time I’ve caught you on your cell phone this period!”  
Joe tore his gaze away from his phone screen to see Mr. Hollander glaring at him again and half the class turning round in their seats in interest.

“Sorry sir” Joe mumbled, hastily stuffing his phone back into his bag.

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time. Detention. See me after class.”

The class crawled on as Joe attempted to make sense of his textbook. His mind wasn’t focused on polymers however, but rather on a certain slightly awkward teenaged boy with messy hair. When the bell rang to signal the end of the period he sighed almost audibly in relief. 

He would suffer through the rest of the day, sustained by day-dreams of the phone call awaiting him at 3:30.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe kids! Don't give phone numbers or other personal details to someone unless you're absolutely sure they're genuine. The test Joe does is actually a pretty useful one to make sure an internet friend is who they say they are.
> 
> Okay I'm done being a mother hen now, hope you enjoyed the chapter and I'll upload Chapter 3 soon. Might not be for a week tho cos I'm away on this summer programme thing :)


	3. In which Joe is a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Gwilym and Joe and Ben have their long-awaited phone call

 

Ben sat gazing at the clock, lazily drumming his fingers on the desk in front of him. The girl next to him gave him a sharp nudge and he turned to see her looking at him with an irritated expression, causing him to abruptly still his fingertips with a mumbled apology. He couldn’t believe school wasn’t over yet. 

Not for the first time, he contemplated messaging Joe, just to help him get through the last lesson of the day. After all, he'd been a distraction from chemistry for Joe earlier, why wouldn’t Joe return the favour? But he didn’t want to seem too keen so, with a sigh, he returned to his clock-watching.   
That was when his phone vibrated in his pocket. His first thought was that maybe Joe had texted him again but when he checked the screen he saw that the text was from Gwilym:

  
**Gwilliam**

_Honestly just euthanize me right now_

_It would be less painful than sitting through this shit_

  
**Ben**

_Come on English isn’t that bad_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Might not be for you Benvolio you’re really good at it_

_But it’s bloody awful if you’re crap at it like me_

  
**Ben**

_Benvolio??_

  
**Gwilliam**

_You know like the guy from Romeo and Juliet_

  
**Ben**

_I swear your jokes get worse every time we talk_

  
**Gwilliam**

_It was the best I could come up with on the spot_

_Don’t judge me_

  
**Ben**

_Okay but when am I not judging you_

  
**Gwilliam**

_That’s true_

_You’re a really terrible friend when you think about it_

  
**Ben**

_Steady on mate_

_Don’t forget I’m also your only friend_

_If I were you I’d be a bit nice_ r

  
**Gwilliam**

_I mean I wish I could disagree_

_But you’re right we’re both loners_

_Still we’re each others loners_

  
**Ben**

_Exactly why would I need anyone else_

_Besides other people kinda suck_

  
**Gwilliam**

_That’s also true_

  
**Ben**

_Ugh you might have to be the one euthanizing me_

_Why the fuck did I take geography???_

_I’m shit at it_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Why what is it you’re learning about?_

  
**Ben**

_Like you’ll be able to help_

_You don’t even take geography_

  
**Gwilliam**

_I know that you idiot_

_I’m just trying to be a supportive friend by pretending to take an interest_

  
**Ben**

_Well thank you_

  
**Gwilliam**

_You’re most welcome Benjamin_

  
**Ben**

_I regret admitting my full name to you_

  
**Gwilliam**

_You can’t complain_

_I know for a fact you have me saved as Gwilliam in your contacts_

_Which isn’t even my name_

  
**Ben**

_Yeah but that suits you_

_You look like a Gwilliam_

  
**Gwilliam**

_I’m not sure if that’s meant to be a compliment or not_

_Since it’s you I’m guessing no_

  
**Ben**

_Hey_

_I’m a nice person_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Debatable_

  
**Ben**

_Well let’s not debate about it now_

_The point is Gwilliam suits you_

_I don’t suit Benjamin_

  
**Gwilliam**

_I mean I can’t be arsed arguing with you_

_You’re far too stubborn_

  
**Ben**

_Why thank you_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Not a compliment_

  
**Ben**

_Shut up you know you love me really_

  
**Gwilliam**

_For some reason_

_God knows why_

  
**Ben**

_Rude_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Oh do forgive me for hurting your precious feelings_

_Notice the sarcasm_

  
**Ben**

_Yeah I did_

_I didn’t like it_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Too bad_

_I’m like 90% sarcastic comments_

  
**Ben**

_What’s the other 10%_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Devilish good looks of course_

  
**Ben**

_Haha of course_

 

Just then the bell rang to signal the end of school

  
 **Ben**

_Fuck yeah we can finally get out of here_

  
**Gwilliam**

_No we can’t_

_We have rugby after school remember_

Ben groaned inwardly. He'd completely forgotten about practice. The idea of spending the next hour and a half running up and down the school field in the pouring rain, covered in mud and being yelled at by his coach and team-mates, didn’t seem very appealing at the moment. He couldn’t simply skip it though, he couldn’t be labelled a quitter.

  
 **Ben**

_Oh yeah I forgot_

_Meet me in the changing rooms in about 5 minutes_

_I’m gonna go grab my kit from my locker_

  
**Gwilliam**

_Alright_

_See you Ben_

  
**Ben**

_Bye Gwil_

Ben quickly swept his stuff into his bag and exited the classroom with everyone else. While the rest of his classmates made a beeline for the exit, chattering amongst themselves, Ben trudged in the opposite direction to the lockers. He grabbed his rugby kit and jogged down the stairs towards the playing field; he didn’t fancy dealing with the captain if he was late.

  
*

  
Joe lay sprawled on his bed, rifling through one of his old comic books. He wasn’t paying much attention to the brightly coloured pages however; his mind kept wandering back to his conversation with Ben in chemistry earlier. Joe felt an inexplicable desire to get to know Ben better, his awkward shyness was intriguing to Joe for some reason.

  
He checked his watch again. It read 4:35. And there was still no sign of Ben. Joe felt strangely disappointed. He turned back to the comic book, staring unseeingly at the drawings, but then his phone rang. He answered eagerly when he realised it was Ben calling.

  
“Ben?”

  
“Hi Joe”

  
There was a slightly awkward silence, not because Joe didn’t know what to say (in fact there were hundreds of things he wanted to say to Ben) but because he wasn’t quite sure how to begin. Then he heard Ben’s voice again:

  
"I’m really sorry I’m a bit late calling you. I had an essay to finish and it took longer than I expected but-"

  
“No, no it’s fine. I don’t blame you. If you stop writing an essay halfway through it’s always so hard to come back to.”

  
“Yeah, you just lose your train of thought and can’t get back into that mindset you were in before.”

  
“Exactly!”

  
“I’m so glad you get what I mean.”

  
They relaxed into silence, a comfortable one this time.

  
“Anyway,” Ben said “ I’m guessing you survived chemistry this morning since you’re talking to me.”

  
Joe laughed softly “Nope.” He replied “I died of boredom in there and now I’m a ghost.”  
It was Ben’s turn to laugh. “Then how are you talking to me?”

  
“Erm, ghosts can still talk genius.”

  
“Yeah but ghosts can’t touch anything so how did you answer the phone, genius?”

  
“Well-” Joe paused for dramatic effect (definitely not to buy himself time to think of a comeback) “-I obviously managed it through my ghostly powers of teleportation.”

  
“Teleportation means transporting yourself to different places.” Ben replied “Do you mean telekinesis? You know where you-"

  
“Can move objects, yeah I do. I was just testing you to check that your knowledge of ghostly powers is up to scratch.”

  
“Nice save"

  
“Thank you, I try.”

  
“Are you okay Joe? You’ve been sounding a bit hoarse this whole time.”

  
Joe cringed inwardly. His voice had been raspy and his throat sore all day. He had done his best to ignore it but it had kept bugging him. It also didn’t help that his brain chose that moment to register how calm and soothing Ben’s own voice sounded through the phone, the exact opposite of Joe's.

  
“Oh that? Yeah it’s from a stupid video I made a couple days ago trying to sing Roger Taylor's falsetto parts. Have you seen it?”

  
“Uh yeah I have. It’s one of my favourite videos actually you’re hilarious in it.” Ben cleared his throat awkwardly, “Obviously I mean it’s one of my favourite videos on your channel not that it’s like my favourite video ever. Wait no that sounds really harsh I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad I-“

  
“Hey Ben, calm down okay? It’s cool, I got what you meant and I’m not offended I swear.”

  
“Oh thank God. I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was insulting your video. I just say the stupidest things sometimes. I open my mouth and the words come out all wrong.”

  
“I’m exactly the same,” Joe reassured him. “Honestly I come up with the weirdest ideas and I can’t seem to stop talking about them, even though I know everyone listening is thinking about how weird I am and none of them actually find me interesting.”

  
“The funny thing is Joe, I didn’t think the super spies or the ghosts were weird at all. I actually quite liked talking about them.”

  
“You did?”

  
“Yeah I did. It was fun to pretend for a bit and talk about something completely imaginary. It was like being a kid again you know?”

  
“Yeah I get it. Real life can suck sometimes.”

  
“Definitely”

  
“Well then, here’s to helping each other get away from real life for a bit.”

  
“Trust me Joe,” Ben almost whispered, as if he wasn’t sure whether he wanted Joe to hear him or not, “you’ve already helped me.”

  
Joe wondered what Ben was talking about. What could have happened to make Ben want to get away from real life for a bit? Still, if Ben’s situation was anything like his own, he probably wouldn’t want to talk about it. He definitely wouldn’t want to talk about it to a virtual stranger off the internet. Another time then, he thought to himself.

  
They talked for ages that night, laughing at the stupidest things. When Ben eventually had to hang up and get some sleep, Joe said goodbye with a wide grin on his face. He couldn’t explain why he instantly felt at ease with Ben but he had never been able to share his thoughts with another person in the same way, so sure of acceptance and unafraid of judgement.

  
And he also couldn’t explain why he had the feeling that meeting Ben was going to be the start of something wonderful.

 


	4. In which Joe is not ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe is struggling to accept some devastating news and Ben wonders why his new friend isn't talking to him anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's a bit of a time jump between the last chapter and this one; Ben and Joe have been online friends for a few weeks now.

Joe lay in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. His bedroom was beginning to grow dark but he didn’t move to turn on the lights. His entire body felt like lead and summoning the energy to move seemed like an impossible task. Besides, darkness was easier to handle right now. Lying in the dark, he felt as though he could shut out the harsh glare of the truth; he could close his eyes and pretend, pretend everything was the same as it had been this time last week.

  
Pretend his life hadn’t collapsed into rubble all around him.

  
His father had been dead for 4 days now. 4 days and 18 hours to be more precise. He tried not to be precise though; being precise made everything seem too real and right now he was doing his best to avoid reality.

Logically, he knew he would have to face what had happened at some point but he wasn’t ready to have his heart shattered just yet. It was easier to lie there in the darkness and the silence, denying that anything had happened and temporarily numb to all the pain.

  
Dimly, through the haze of nothingness, he registered that his phone was ringing. With what felt like an immense effort, he reached for it and squinted at the brightly lit screen; Rami was calling him. He groaned quietly, he knew it was stupid but he wasn’t sure he could face Rami right now. Even though his best friend would do whatever he could to make Joe feel a little better, Joe wasn’t sure if he could bear to tell Rami what had happened. He wasn’t ready to say those words.

  
So he ignored his best friend’s call.

  
But Rami could be annoyingly persistent when he wanted to be. Instead of just letting Joe sink further into this vortex of depression he was spiralling into, Rami had left him a voicemail.

  
“Hey Joe, it’s me. Why haven’t you been at school this week? And why have you been ignoring my calls all this time? I’m worried about you man! Look, I’m not gonna make you talk to me about anything you don’t want to talk about but please call me back when you get this and let me know you’re okay.”

  
Now that Joe could no longer hear Rami's voice, the silence seemed more suffocating than ever. Joe couldn’t tell Rami he was okay, he wasn’t sure he would ever be okay again. But hearing the concern and near desperation in Rami’s voice made him feel guilty so he sighed to himself and called Rami back. He picked up almost immediately:

  
“Joe? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  
“I’m...” he wanted to say ‘I’m fine' but the words seemed to stick in his throat.

  
“Joe?”

  
“I uh- I’m not hurt or sick or anything but- I’m not doing so good”

  
“Why? What’s happened?”

  
“I don’t know if I can tell you.”

  
“Well why don’t you try? It might make you feel better for saying it.”

  
It definitely wouldn’t. So he said as much.  
“No. No it won’t. Listen Rami, I think I should go.”

  
“No don’t go! I’m worried about you Joe, I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”

  
“Honestly, Rami, I’m not but I can’t tell you what’s happened, I just can’t deal with it right now. I -" Joe swallowed around the lump in his throat “- I need to be alone for a bit okay? I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”

  
“But-"

  
Joe hung up.

  
Calling Rami had been a bad idea. He cursed himself for doing it; he clearly hadn’t been ready to talk about what happened and now he had confirmed to Rami how fucked up he was at the moment, which would only make the poor guy worry about him even more.

Nice one Joe, he thought to himself. He lay back down in the warm nest of blankets and closed his eyes, wanting to block it all out. Not long afterwards, he fell into an exhausted but fitful sleep.

  
*

  
Ben checked his Instagram for what felt like the millionth time that day. To his dismay, he saw that Joe still hadn’t answered his messages from that morning:

**ben.hardy**

_Ugh I’m so tired_

_Gwil keeps prodding me when I’m trying to sleep at school will you kill him with me_

Or his messages from that afternoon:

_Joe? You okay mate?_

_It’s just you don’t usually take this long to reply_

Maybe his Instagram’s just not working, Ben thought to himself. So he decided to try texting Joe instead:

 **Ben**

_Hey mate you haven’t been replying to my DMs on instagram are you ok?_

_Really sorry if I seem pushy I’m just a bit worried is all_

Ben returned to his homework but when he had finally finished the last exhausting paragraph of his essay, Joe was yet to answer his Instagram messages or texts.

It had been 5 days since he’d last replied to Ben (with no explanation for the sudden radio silence) so, understandably, Ben was starting to get the feeling that something might be wrong, even though he knew he was probably just being stupid and Joe had simply broken his phone or something.

Ben tried to reassure himself that Joe was probably just waiting for his phone to be repaired and would reply as soon as it was done. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t seem to work.

  
Since Joe himself was unavailable, Ben found himself sifting through Joe’s YouTube channel, looking for a video he hadn’t watched yet.

After a couple of minutes of scrolling he found one, a new-ish video (it was made about 2 weeks ago) he hadn’t got round to watching yet; “Answering your Queen-related questions.”

Okay so it didn’t sound like the most entertaining video but it had been a long day and speaking to Joe always seemed to relax Ben (surprising since Joe himself was so crazy and full of life all the time.)

Call him weird and crazy but he really wanted to hear Joe’s voice right now.

  
“Hey everyone, I’ve been getting a lot of requests for a video like this in the comments of my videos so I asked you guys on Instagram to DM me with some stuff you’d like to know about me. And of course, because this is my channel, it’s all Queen related. Okay let’s get started:

  
“First question is ‘who is your favourite Queen member?’ Well a couple of people may already know this-“ Ben grinned to himself “-but it’s Roger. I’m guessing you also wanna know why; it’s because I can kinda see a bit of myself in him I guess, he seems very lively and talkative which, obviously, I am too.

"And another reason is I really love his song-writing style; it’s very easy to just laugh at I’m In Love With My Car but a lot of his lyrics are very poetic and unique which I really like.

  
“I bet a lot of people are surprised at that. A lot of people seem to assume my favourite member is John; I guess that’s because we both play bass and I mean-" Joe gestured to his face “- have you seen me? The guy could basically be my father. But there you go.

  
“Okay next question: ‘what’s your favourite Queen song?’ That’s gotta be Somebody To Love. The lyrics are very relatable-" Joe laughed quietly to himself “-and that idea of just wanting to find someone to, well, love is- just beautiful.” Joe smiled a little bashfully at the camera. It was a change from his usual sparkling grin but Ben found it kind of endearing.

  
“Alright,” Joe continued “the next question is ‘how did you first get into Queen?’ This is a tough one because they keep popping up in my life. You know first when I was a kid and more so now I’m older. In my sort of early teenage years I was very into grunge; you know it was sort of ‘you don’t get it dad'-" Joe’s ridiculous impression made Ben laugh out loud.

On his phone screen Joe coughed a little awkwardly, “anyway once I got over that ridiculousness-" Joe laughed but it sounded forced and Ben thought he caught a glimpse of sadness in Joe’s eyes “- I realised how incredible Queen were as a band and I basically became a really weird super-fan.” 

Joe read out and answered a few more questions. Most of which Ben already knew the answers to from his and Joe’s frequent late-night conversations about Queen (for example, Joe had already told Ben at least twice exactly why his favourite Queen album was News Of The World.)

Some answers did come as a surprise though (he was pretty sure Joe had never mentioned that Bohemian Rhapsody was the first song he ever downloaded on Spotify.) By the time the video ended Ben certainly felt a little better about Joe’s mysterious disappearance.

  
That feeling, however, vanished in an instant once he checked his text messages again and saw that Joe had read them 10 minutes ago. Read them but not replied.

For the first time, Ben began to wonder whether Joe was avoiding him. He couldn’t comprehend what he might have done to cause such a thing but how else could he explain Joe clearly seeing his messages and refusing to speak to him?

Ben wished he knew what he had done so he could apologise but he didn’t think asking Joe about it would go down very well. He sighed, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

  
He just wanted his friend back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first attempt at writing angst so I'm sorry if it's shit.  
> 


	5. In which Joe finally talks about his problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe reaches out for help and tries to mend things with Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter ended up way longer than I initially planned so sorry about the wait, it took a while to edit

Joe was lying in his bed again, staring blankly at the iron grey sky outside his closed window. He hadn’t done much else this past week, only really leaving his room to use the bathroom and to sit in the dining room watching his mum and siblings pick at their food while eating little himself.

He knew this wasn’t the right way to cope but he felt as though opening up and talking about his dad would break down the floodgates of the churning reservoir of emotions piling up inside of him. He didn’t think he could handle that.

So here he was, holed up in his bedroom. Hiding from himself as much as from the rest of the world.

His gaze drifted downwards to the picture of him and his father that was still on his bedside table. Tucked away amongst the spasms of sharp pain he felt while looking at it was the knowledge that his dad wouldn’t want to see him like this.

Getting his life back on track was a lot easier said than done (it would take an immeasurable effort to haul himself back up the slippery slope of despair he had slid down) but he knew he would have to try.

Every day he spent lying here feeling nothing he could feel himself slipping further into the clutches of depression. He needed to stop this while he still could.

If he couldn’t do this for himself, he’d have to do it for his dad.

He understood the need to talk about trauma but the prospect freaked him out a little. It’s for dad, he reminded himself, you’re doing this to help him; he’d never forgive himself if he thought you fell into depression because of him.

There was still the problem of who he could talk to. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of talking to a therapist; they would probably be able to help but his grief was something he wanted to get through as privately as possible. If he was going to ask for help, he’d rather ask someone he knew and trusted.

The obvious choice was to talk to his mother but, again, he hesitated. She was already struggling to keep their family together, he couldn’t imagine what it was costing her. He didn’t want her to see that he wasn’t coping, not after everything she had done to try and help him; it would only make her feel guilty and think that she’d failed as a parent.

He would definitely talk to his mom about all of this one day (and to his siblings as well.) He wasn’t about to let what had happened cause a communication breakdown within his family.

But right now he didn’t think he could even mention his dad to any of them without breaking down from the looks of anguish that would surely appear on their faces.

He would wait a few weeks to talk about this with them, he decided. When the misery wasn’t so fresh in their minds.

But he needed somebody to talk to right now. Someone who would be there to anchor him when he finally allowed his pain to wash over him, somebody who would prove to him that there were still people here who cared about him. Someone who wouldn’t give up on him, even when he gave up on himself.

The first person who came to mind, besides his family, was Rami. So he fumbled under the covers for his phone and called him.

Rami picked up after the first ring:

“Joe?” Rami sounded as though he didn’t know what else to say.

“Hi Rami,” Joe said tiredly.

“Is, uh, is everything okay?”

“Well, no it’s not.”

“Oh I-"

“But I want it to be,” Joe continued. “I want to be. Okay I mean.”

“Okay?” Joe knew he was doing a shit job of explaining this but he had never been much good at asking for help when he needed it. That explained a lot of things, now he thought about it.

“Fuck, I’m no good at this Rami. What I’m trying to say is I want to talk.”

“Is this about whatever’s kept you away from school this week.”

“Yeah it’s- it’s about that, yeah.”

“Okay. Talk whenever you’re ready, I’m listening.”

Joe took a deep breath. “So, uh.” Great start Joe, he thought irritably. “Well some shit happened.” he finished lamely.

“Yeah, I guessed that.” Rami said, not unkindly. ““Do you think you could tell me what exactly the shit was?”

“Well my, um. My-" Joe tried to respond but his throat constricted around the words. He could feel Rami’s expectation and concern on the other end of the line and willed himself to just spit it out.

You can’t back out, he thought to himself. As hard as this is, it’s going to help you in the end.

“This isn’t an easy thing for me to say over the phone,” Joe said instead. “Could you come over so I can tell you in person?”

“Uh sure.” Rami sounded worried. “I’ll be at the door in 5?”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Joe lied. In truth it sounded mildly terrifying. But he knew he needed to talk about his pain at some point (no matter how awkward or embarrassing it would be) otherwise it would end up consuming him. 

“Alright, I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye Rami.”

Just as he was shrugging on a hoodie he heard the doorbell ring and hurried downstairs to answer it. He pulled open the front door to find Rami standing on the doorstep.

“Hi,” Rami said, smiling a little awkwardly.

“Hi.” Joe tried to smile back but, judging by Rami’s look of concern, it probably looked tired and strained.

“Come in,” Joe continued. “We can talk in my room.”

Rami followed Joe up the stairs and into his bedroom. “So do you want to tell me why you’ve been sitting here in the dark and avoiding all human contact for a week?” 

“My dad died.” The bluntness of the words shocked even Joe himself. He hadn’t meant to be that upfront about it.

“Oh,” Rami began, the shock clear on his face. He looked as though he wanted to say something else but he closed his mouth instead.

“Yeah.” Joe wasn’t sure what to say either.

“I-uh,” Rami tried again. “Well of course you’re not okay, that’s a stupid question. But do you want to talk about it?” 

“It’s just- I thought I was ready you know? He'd been sick for a while and he wasn’t getting any better so I knew it was going to happen one day soon and I thought that would make it easier when it did.

"But it didn’t, I feel worse because I knew he was going to- that he wouldn’t be around for much longer and I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I- I should have spent more time with him but I didn’t and now I’m never going to see him again and it- it just _fucking sucks!”_ Joe finished his outburst with a choked sob.

He swallowed around the lump in his throat, feeling a prickling sensation along the bridge of his nose as he tried to stop the tears from welling up in his eyes.

As he ducked his head and drew his knees up to his chest, Rami shifted closer to him and cautiously wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders. Joe didn’t have the energy to resist anymore; he allowed himself to be pulled into Rami's side and rested his head on Rami’s shoulder, finally embracing the pain.

He felt a little better after a few minutes of cathartic crying, drained but calmer than before. He lifted his head off of Rami’s shoulder, hastily apologising once he realised his friend's shirt was now damp with tears. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Rami said gently.

“So do you want to talk more about what happened?”

Joe shook his head. “I’m a bit exhausted on the emotions front at the moment,” he said, attempting a weak laugh. 

“That’s alright.” Rami said. “You can call me any time once you feel up to talking a bit more, you know that.”

Joe nodded. “I do. Okay, let’s change the subject for now.”

So Rami began to tell Joe about his crush on his lab partner, Lucy Boynton. He’d talked about this many times before and Joe was pretty tired of hearing about how gorgeous she was.

But he appreciated Rami’s effort to distract him, especially when Rami began to recount how he’d made a complete fool of himself in front of her the other day by starting an explosion in chemistry (he had added the wrong chemical to a solution because he’d been too busy staring at Lucy as she tucked her hair behind her ear.) 

By the time Rami left, Joe felt a little more able to cope with his dad’s death but, most importantly, he felt a lot less alone.

*

Ben was sat behind his drum kit for the 5th time that week. Mastering the drum solo from Keep Yourself Alive was no easy task (he'd been working at it for weeks in fact) but it required him to give his undivided attention to his drumming; he never had room to worry about anything else when he was playing music, it was one of the reasons he enjoyed it so much.

He'd been practicing a lot more than usual in the past couple of days, ever since he realised Joe must be avoiding him and watching his YouTube videos lost its appeal.

After he decided to call it a day, he heard his phone ringing from where he’d tossed it on his bed earlier. He checked the screen and then stared at it, wide-eyed. Joe was calling him.

Ben stood still, unsure how to react. Just seeing Joe’s name sent a sharp stab of hurt through him and he had half a mind to ignore the call. Let’s see how well he likes being ignored, he thought to himself.

But there was still a small, stubborn part of him that naïvely insisted Joe had a good reason for not speaking to Ben and that Ben should give him a second chance. In the end, he decided to answer, if only to see what Joe’s excuse was for ignoring him all this time.

“Hello?”

“Hi Ben.”

Neither of them spoke for several seconds.

“Was there something you wanted?” Ben asked.

He knew he was being blunt and stand-offish but Joe had been one of the few people in his life to make him feel safe and accepted. And then he’d left and Ben had felt more lonely than ever. Now that Joe wanted to talk to him again Ben felt some stupid need to protect himself from being led on again so easily.

“Yeah,” Joe replied. He sounded as though he wanted to say more but in the end he stayed silent.

“Well what is it?” Ben asked. He heard Joe let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone.

“Well, it’s- erm. _Fuck_ this is hard to say over the phone. I wish I could tell you in person.”

“Joe you live about 3 ½ thousand miles away.” Ben reminded him.

“Yeah I know that. Can I FaceTime you? I find it easier to tell people face to face.”

Ben’s unimpressed exterior was gone by now, replaced with uneasiness. He was starting to think he may have been right when he suspected something was wrong.

“Uh yeah, sure.” Ben said and hung up.

Seconds later he was staring at Joe’s lightly freckled face as it came into focus on his phone screen. Ben’s heart clenched with worry, Joe looked pale and dark circles were prominent under his eyes. His famous million-dollar smile was missing.

“Joe are you okay?” Ben asked, only realising how stupid the question was once it had left his mouth. Of course Joe wasn’t okay.

“I’ve been better,” Joe said with a lukewarm attempt at a laugh. Ben saw something shift in Joe’s eyes, as though he were steeling himself for something. “My dad died last week.” Joe said.

Ben instantly felt the guilt creeping through him. Here he'd been, wallowing in all his self-centred pity, wondering why Joe had abandoned him for no reason and it turned out Joe had been grief- stricken (and probably battling depression) the whole time. Of course he'd needed time to himself and Ben felt like an insensitive prick for being so persistent and needy.

"I’m not gonna lie it’s- it’s been hard,” Joe’s voice cracked a little as he continued: “For a while I just locked myself in my room and wouldn’t talk to anyone but then I thought about how my-my dad would feel, seeing me like that and I decided I needed to talk about it and let people help me move on from this.

"Because, you know, once I get started, talking helps me. I feel better after I’ve vented to someone and you’re always a good listener Ben so I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I talked to you about this?”

“Of course I don’t mind Joe.” Ben said “Keep talking, talk as much as you want. I’m listening.”

“Right, well. I’m not there yet but I think, with a lot of time, I can get through this. I’ll be okay,” he said determinedly. “ I have to be, I have to show my dad that I’m alright, I don’t want him to feel bad about- about what happened. And there I go again, talking about him like he’s still here when he isn’t.” Ben could see the tears glistening in Joe’s eyes. 

“I just forget sometimes, you know? I’ll be in my room trying to do my homework and I’ll see an equation I don’t get and my first instinct is to shout for him to help me. But he’s not coming, he’s never coming to help me again and I need to accept that but it’s just so hard sometimes.

"The first few days after it happened, I tried to deny it; I’d lie in bed and close my eyes, pretend he was next to me. I didn’t let myself cry or anything because I thought if I felt the pain that would make it real.” He laughed bitterly.

“I actually tricked myself into thinking that if I denied his death hard enough I’d open my eyes and see him walking through the door. But I know I can’t keep doing that. I need to accept he isn’t coming back.”

Ben hated seeing Joe like this, he wanted to help in any way he could.

“Joe it’s okay,” he began “you’re not weird or deluding yourself for talking about your dad like he’s still here sometimes. I know loads of people who do it. Hell, my grandma died a few years ago and even I still feel like she’s here with me sometimes. Don’t be so harsh on yourself, your dad might not be walking through your bedroom door ever again but that doesn’t mean you can’t take comfort in the thought that he’s watching over you.

"Trust me, feeling like your dad’s still around sometimes is not a bad thing and it doesn’t mean you’re not healing.”

Joe sniffed and Ben saw he was crying quietly.

“Thanks Ben,” he said in a small voice.

Ben had a sudden urge to wipe away the tears with the pad of his thumb but he obviously couldn’t so he settled for smiling tentatively at Joe.

After a few seconds, Joe managed a tiny smile back; Ben counted it as progress. 


	6. In which Rami and Ben give great advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rami helps Joe out and Ben realises something important.

For the first time in his life, Joe was disappointed to hear the bell signalling the end of class. However boring the subject matter was, throwing himself into his work allowed him to focus on something other than the whispers and pointed looks that were being directed his way by almost every person in the room.

He understood that missing a whole week of school and then coming back with no explanations and a forlorn expression would make people curious. He just wished everyone could mind their own business; he really didn’t feel like answering any questions about it.

His friends meant well when they asked him what was wrong, he knew that. Even when they constantly pressured him to talk to them, disregarding the fact that he felt uncomfortable, they only had his best interests at heart. Still, it was exhausting to have to constantly ask them to drop the subject.

The exception to this, of course, was Rami. He never pushed Joe to share anything he wasn’t comfortable with but ironically he was the one Joe felt the most comfortable talking to. Mostly because he never told Joe how to handle his pain. Unlike Joe’s other friends, Rami sat and listened to him vent. He comforted Joe when it was needed but he only gave advice if asked for it.

Joe didn’t want a therapist, he wanted a friend and Rami seemed to be the only person at school who understood that.

Today, however, Joe did need Rami’s advice so as soon as the bell rang he hurried out of the classroom (with his head bowed to encourage people to leave him alone) and made his way to Rami’s locker.

  
“Everything okay?” Rami asked when he saw Joe.

“Yeah I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Well, I-“ Joe hesitated, looking nervously around the crowded corridor.

“Want to go somewhere quieter?” Rami guessed.

Joe smiled gratefully and led him outside. They sat in the shade of a tall tree in the parking lot.

“So, what is it you wanted to tell me?” Rami asked.

Joe decided to get straight to the point: “I want to talk to my family but I’m not sure how.”

“Okay,” Rami said, a silent invitation for Joe to continue.

“We're all hurting and none of us know how to make it any better.” Joe sighed, running his hand through his hair as he tried to find the words to express his feelings. “I was sat at the dinner table last night and I could see my mom had been crying; I wanted to comfort her somehow but I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never struggled to talk to any of them before and now I just never know what to say. 

“It feels like-" Joe stopped to swallow around the lump in his throat “- it feels like now he’s gone my family is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it from happening. Before he- before my dad died I promised myself I’d look after them for him but I don’t know how, I don’t know what to do. So yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he added lamely.

“Okay,” Rami said again. “Did you want my advice on this or did you just need me to listen to you?”

“I think I want advice, if you have any.”

“Well, first of all I think you’re being too hard on yourself; it’s not your responsibility to hold your family together on your own, Joe. It’s their job to be there for you as much as the other way round. As sweet as it is that you want to comfort them, maybe let them comfort you too.”

“I don’t want my mom to comfort me,” Joe interrupted “she has to worry about enough already without seeing me upset. She’s tried so hard to keep our family together and if I let her know I’m not okay she’ll think she’s failed as a parent.”

“Trust me Joe, the fact that you aren’t talking to her will worry her more than you being upset ever could. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” Rami said gently “but you don’t exactly look like you’re taking this very well. And she’s your mom, she can read you even better than I can; she’ll be able to see that you’re hurting and the thought that you don’t feel as though you can talk to her about this will make her feel as though she’s failed as a parent, you being devastated about your dad’s death won’t.”

It sort of made sense when Rami put it like that. It was funny how Rami had solved the problem that had been bugging Joe for the last week in under a minute but hey, sometimes all you need is someone to put things into perspective for you.

“Okay, I’ll talk to my mom about how I’m feeling but that doesn’t explain how I can get her, John and Mary to talk to me. I can’t help them if they won’t tell me how they feel.”

“I mean you know your family better than me Joe so I’m not sure how much help I can be here. But it might be a good idea to just sit them down and say you want to talk, like seriously talk, about how you’re all feeling. When my family has fights and stuff we sometimes sit down and talk it out and it helps; we usually feel closer afterwards.”

“So basically you think I should run a family therapy session.”

“I mean I guess it’s a little like that.” He carried on speaking before Joe could interrupt him. “Look I know you don’t like the thought of therapy but it will help I swear.”

“Will it? Or will it just be awkward and embarrassing?” 

“Well talking to me the first time was awkward and embarrassing wasn’t it?” Joe nodded guiltily but Rami shook his head.

“Don’t apologise, I felt it too. But you still did it and that helped, right?”

“Yeah it did.” Joe sighed heavily. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“Would have thought you’d be used to it by now, it happens so often.” Rami said with a grin.

Joe flipped him off with a smile. “Come on, we’re already late for class. I’ll give the therapy thing a try later and text you how it goes.”

They parted ways at the entrance to the school building and Joe headed to his next class feeling a little lighter.

*

_**One week later:** _

 

“So I was practically falling asleep in history, it was so boring. And then the teacher picks on me and says _‘Ben could you tell me what you think the answer is?’_ and of course I’ve got no idea, I haven’t been listening. So I look over at Gwil, like silently pleading for him to help me and he whispers _‘six'_. So I say six and people start laughing and Mr. Gillen says _‘really Ben, the year the first world war started was 6?’_ Now I’m sat there looking like a right idiot and I look over at Gwil, the bastard's laughing his head off!” Ben finished indignantly.

On his phone screen, Joe looked as though he was trying not to smile. “I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve done that to people before.” he said. “Your friend Gwil seems pretty cool though.”

“Yeah he is. You should meet him sometime; I could FaceTime you while he’s here and introduce you two.”

“Really? You want me to meet him?”

Ben smiled shyly. “Yeah I would, I think you’d like each other.” Then it occurred to him that maybe he was being a little forward; internet friends didn’t usually meet each others real life friends did they? The last thing he wanted was to scare Joe off with his weirdness.

“I mean, that’s only if you want to meet him.” Ben added hastily.

“Of course I do.” Joe’s gentle grin immediately set Ben at ease. “It seems like it would make you happy so of course I’ll do it.” Ben felt his heart skip a little with excitement. 

“So how are you holding up?” he asked tentatively. He wasn’t expecting Joe to dive into an account of all his problems, he knew Joe didn’t always feel comfortable talking about how he felt and he respected that. But he liked to briefly check up on his friend whenever they talked, just to make sure he was feeling alright.

“I’m doing okay.” Joe said simply. Ben nodded, content for that to be the end of the subject. But then Joe carried on: “I tried talking to my family a couple days ago.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. It was Rami’s idea, he said it would help us bond or whatever if we told each other how we were really feeling.” 

Ben had heard all about Joe’s worries over his family's now fragile relationship and was eager to see if things had improved: “And?” he prompted “did it work?”

“It’s hard to say. We’re not exactly back to how we used to be yet but I didn’t expect us to be, it’s obviously gonna take us some time.

"Anyway, I told them that I wasn’t actually dealing with dad’s death as well as I pretended I was and that I didn’t want to have to keep hiding my grief from them. Because I felt like I was lying to them you know?” Ben nodded and gestured for Joe to continue.

“I was doing it because I thought it was what was best for everyone but I still felt like I was lying, which I hated. So once I’d got my stuff off my chest I asked if anyone else had anything they wanted to confess. And it turns out we were all trying to be the strong one, none of us wanted the others to see us cry or anything.”

Joe smiled a little sadly. “Long story short, we were all being idiots but now we’ve all agreed to let someone know if we’re feeling really upset all of a sudden so that we can help each other.”

“Sounds like it worked to me then.”

“Yeah I guess it did. I definitely don’t feel like I’m drifting apart from them anymore.” 

“That’s good. I’m really happy for you Joe.”

“I’m really happy for me too.” 

Their eyes locked for a second over the screen. From the way Joe’s eyes were crinkled at the corners, Ben could tell he was smiling. He grinned back a little nervously. Now Ben looked at them properly, he saw that Joe’s eyes were a really pretty hazel colour. He coughed awkwardly and looked down, staring intently at the pattern on his duvet.

“Anyway,” Joe said after a moment of silence.

“I’m thinking about maybe making another YouTube video.” Ben looked up at that, smiling widely; he had missed Joe’s uploads.

“I’m not sure if I can do it though.” Joe continued.

“Why not?”

“I think it would remind me too much of my dad.” Joe’s smile was gone, replaced by the now familiar sadness in his eyes.

“Joe, we don’t have to talk about this if it’s going to make you feel bad.”

“No it’s okay.” his jaw was set when Ben looked at him. “I need to talk about it with someone and, well, you seem to know my channel even better than I do” he attempted to joke. Ben laughed softly.

“Okay, if you think it will help to talk to me then I’m all ears.”

“I’ve always loved making videos,” Joe began “it’s been a form of escape for me ever since I was a kid. I know making videos of me doing stupid challenges and stuff will make me laugh and it usually helps me feel better.

"But that’s the thing, I know it makes me feel better because I’ve done it before; whenever I felt upset about my dad before he- before he died, I’d make a video. I thought if I could throw myself into it and focus on helping other people smile when they were having a bad day, I could forget about my own pain.

“I’m worried if I try making videos again now he’s gone, I’ll just be reminded of all the times I pushed everything aside and made a video instead of spending time with him while I still could. It’ll be bittersweet and I’ll just feel sad and guilty.”

Ben was a little choked up at Joe’s confession. He took a deep breath, he had to keep it together and try to help Joe. “Do you want my advice?”

“Please.”

“I think you should try making videos again. You’ve said yourself that it helped you before, for all you know it could help again.

"And I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty. It’s normal to need to distance yourself from your friends and family and deal with your emotions by yourself sometimes. I didn’t know your dad, but I can’t imagine he’d be angry at you for taking a bit of time away from him to help people with your videos.”

“Okay,” Joe said quietly “thanks Ben.”

“Anytime.”

Ben continued to stare at his phone screen long after Joe had to hang up. He thought of Joe, of the strength and courage he must have had to drag himself in front of the camera on his darkest days and make such upbeat, light-hearted videos. The way he so readily brushed aside his own troubles to help other people smile filled Ben’s heart with some unnamed emotion.

Joe had helped Ben, more than he would ever know. Because Ben couldn’t put into words the relief he had felt every time he opened up YouTube after a bad day and saw Joe’s smile.

He couldn’t explain why his thoughts kept drifting back to that smile. Unless...

_Oh shit_

He was falling in love with Joe.

 


	7. In which they're both a little lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're introduced to Lucy and Joe needs a little help to get back into YouTube

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the last two but I was getting impatient and wanted to post it. 
> 
> My wonderful editor is unfortunately away at the moment and unable to give me feedback so I apologise if this chapter isn't up to the usual standard

Joe sat at an empty table in the lunch hall, staring intently at his Instagram explore page. The sound of chattering students was simply white noise in his ears as he cast his mind around desperately for inspiration. 

After his talk with Ben, he had decided to try and make another YouTube video. His stomach still twisted with a combination of nerves and guilt at the prospect but he was determined to give it a shot. Uploading videos again would help him regain some semblance of normality in his life, which was all he wanted at the moment.

Plus Ben had seemed excited when he mentioned the idea; making Ben and his other viewers happy was always a bonus.

As he was searching Instagram for games or challenges he could put a Queen twist on, he heard someone call his name. He looked up and spotted Rami waving to him from across the crowded cafeteria; he waved him over and smiled wryly to himself when he saw Rami was accompanied by a pretty blonde girl whom he recognised as Lucy Boynton.

“Joe, this is Lucy my lab partner,” Rami said as soon as they both sat down. “Lucy, this is the annoying kid I met in kindergarten who I haven’t been able to get rid of since.” Lucy laughed while Joe gave an over-exaggerated gasp, pretending to be deeply offended.

Lucy and Rami quickly fell into conversation about some book they had both recently finished, and how the film adaptation completely butchered the plot. Joe, not having read it, was understandably feeling a little left out. Once there was a lull in the conversation he changed the subject.

“Hey Rami, I’m thinking of making another video for my channel soon and-"

“You have a YouTube channel?” Lucy asked.

“What sort of videos do you make?”

“Er-yeah I do," Joe replied a little awkwardly; people didn’t usually show much interest in his videos. “I do a few things really: dumb quizzes and challenges but also music covers and talking about my favourite songs and stuff; it’s a Queen fan account.”

“Oh I love Queen,” Lucy said excitedly. “And you said you do covers; what instrument do you play?”

“Well I sing sometimes but I’m not that great. Mostly I play bass.”

“That’s really cool.” Joe wondered if she was only pretending to be interested for the sake of politeness but when he looked at her, he saw her smile was genuine. 

They spent a while talking about each other’s favourite songs, albums, members, live performances (the list went on) before Joe remembered why he’d brought the topic up in the first place.

“Rami did you want to maybe come over on Saturday to film with me? We could just take a super fan quiz or something, see who wins.”

Rami rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry man, I already made plans with Lucy on Saturday.”

“Oh ok, never mind then.” Joe said, giving them what he hoped was a reassuring smile in an attempt to hide his disappointment. “What are you guys doing anyway?”

“There’s this new exhibit on at the art gallery that we thought we could check out.” Lucy answered. “And we were- uh- gonna go for dinner afterwards.” Joe noticed a slight blush on her cheeks.

Oh. 

_Oh._  

They were going on a date.

Joe knew he should be pleased for them. As he hurriedly excused himself (pretending he had some homework to finish up before his next class) he couldn’t stop thinking about how he should be happy for Rami; he’d been dreaming of this for ages after all.

But after watching them from the other side of the table all lunch, while they stared into each other’s eyes as though there was no one else in the room, he couldn’t help but feel a little envious. He didn’t have a crush on either Lucy or Rami, God no, but he couldn’t help feeling lonely when he saw how happy they were together; he wished he had something like that for himself.

And as stupid as it sounded, seeing Rami so happy with someone else made him feel a little lonely. He couldn’t expect Rami to be there for him every minute of every day, that wasn’t fair. Yet it still stung to watch Rami leave him go on his date with Lucy. Ever since his dad’s death, Rami had proved himself as one of the few people he could rely on and it was hard to know his best friend wouldn’t always be there to help him heal. 

With Rami unavailable on Saturday he was unsure about whether to make the video after all. Getting back into YouTube was a big step he wasn’t sure he could take alone but he didn’t want to keep putting it off. Then he had an idea.

He whipped out his phone and dialled the now familiar number.

“Hey Ben, wanna make a YouTube video with me this weekend?”

*

“So how exactly are we gonna do this?”

“Easy. I’ll screen record our FaceTime conversation to get footage of you and then I’ll transfer it from my phone to my computer where I’ll mix it with the footage of me from my camera using the editing software I have installed.”

Ben blinked. “You lost me at ‘screen record’ mate,” he said with a timid laugh. Thankfully Joe just grinned at him. 

“Just sit there, look pretty and play the game,” he said with a teasing smile. “I’ll do the rest.” Ben's heart fluttered a little when he realised Joe had called him pretty, even though it was obviously a joke. He willed himself to keep calm as Joe started recording.

“Hey everyone, got something a little different for you today. I’m here with my friend Ben.” Joe paused and, after a moment of silence, looked at Ben expectantly. 

Ben realised a little too late that Joe was waiting for him to introduce himself. “Hey guys.” he said as he awkwardly raised his hand. “Oh my God that was so bad.” he groaned. 

“It’s okay we can just try again,” Joe said reassuringly. “I’ll cut the first one later. Trust me it’s fine, I re-do my intros all the time; it’s really difficult to sound natural sometimes.”

Joe patiently redid the intro several times until Ben was satisfied with his performance. He then moved on to explain the rules of the game they were going to play.

“Okay so since Ben and I met online through being Queen super fans, I wanted to do something related to that in this video. I have some suggestions here for Queen favourites; like favourite songs, favourite music videos and stuff like that. The twist is that me and Ben have to try to guess each other’s favourites. We get a point for each question we get right and whoever wins gets- uh- what should the winner get Ben?”

“How about the winner gets to play their favourite Queen song on repeat next time we call each other?”

“Sounds good. You ready to lose Ben?”

“Actually I’m ready to _win._ ”

Joe laughed. “Alright, let’s do this.”

The game wasn’t really very hard; they talked about Queen so often that they guessed each other's favourite songs, albums and members (plus the reasons behind each choice) with ease. Some of the questions were a little more challenging though:

“Oh come on!” Joe said indignantly. “How was I supposed to know your favourite live performance was A Night At The Odeon? You’ve never mentioned that.”

Ben scoffed. “I’ve told you that at least 4 times Joseph, it’s not my fault you weren’t listening. Anyway the rendition of White Queen from that concert is amazing and you know that’s my favourite song so you really should have guessed to be honest.”

“Well _Benjamin_ at least I knew your favourite music video.”

“Okay but is I Want To Break Free really your favourite or do you just like seeing Roger Taylor in that schoolgirl outfit?”

“No it really is my favourite.” Joe said with a laugh. Ben raised his eyebrows. “It is, I swear!” 

“Sure I totally believe you.”

“Hey there’s no need for the sarcastic comments.” Joe said, but he was smiling. “Anyway can you blame me? He’s worryingly attractive as a girl.”

Ben gulped, unsure how to respond. Okay he had to admit that Roger looked very pretty in the costume (and just in general, an annoying part of his brain supplied but he told it firmly to shut up.) He wasn’t sure he wanted all of Joe’s viewers knowing he felt that way though so he decided to change the subject.

“Woah we’ve gone a bit off topic there. What’s the next question?”

They continued filming until Joe caught Ben stifling a yawn and decided that it was getting too late. 

“Joe it’s fine; we can keep playing.”

“Nah it’s okay; we’ve got enough here already.”

“Are you sure? If we wrap it up now then I’ll win.” Ben teased him.

But Joe just smiled gently. “That’s fine by me.” he said.

“Really? Well, thank you.” Ben returned the smile.

“Besides,” Joe continued with a glint in his eye “there’s gonna be loads more opportunities for me to beat you right?”

“Wait, you mean you want me to make more videos with you?”

“I was kinda hoping you’d want to make some more too.” Joe said, gazing down at his hands which were fidgeting in his lap. Ben grinned despite himself; he still wasn’t used to seeing Joe looking so self-conscious. He was cute when he was embarrassed. Wait no.

“Of course I want to you idiot,” Ben said to interrupt his wandering thoughts. “How about next week?”

“Sounds good.” 

They said their goodbyes to Joe’s viewers and Joe turned the camera off. 

“I’ll send you the edited video before I upload it; you can tell me if you want me to cut anything else or if there’s anything you think I shouldn’t have cut.”

“Alright. Thanks for asking me go do this Joe. I had a great time.”

“Me too. Thanks for agreeing to do it with me.”

“Anytime.” Ben said with a smile. “Night Joe.”

“Night Ben.” 

Ben ended the call, laughing softly when he saw that they’d been talking for nearly 2 and a half hours. Lying in his darkened bedroom that night, in that hazy place between asleep and awake, he allowed himself to briefly think of Joe and the fun they’d had earlier that night. Just picturing Joe’s comforting smile relaxed him enough that he began to drift off to sleep.

His last conscious thought was that maybe having these feelings for Joe wasn’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> I felt like I needed to let them have some cute bonding time before I hit them with more angst in the near future


	8. In which Ben takes one step forward and about 10 steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is starting to accept his feelings for Joe
> 
> And then everything goes horribly, horribly wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter really hard to write for some reason so I apologise for taking a little longer to update

Ben arrived home from rugby practice, exhausted and covered in mud, with his only wish being to crawl into bed as soon as possible. He forced himself upstairs to shower, unceremoniously dumping his kit in the laundry basket, and then back down again to chat idly with his parents over dinner. He excused himself as soon as was socially acceptable and practically collapsed onto his mattress once he reached his room.

When he had made himself comfortable within the nest of blankets, he reached for his phone and, unsurprisingly, went to re-watch Joe’s (his and Joe’s, he proudly reminded himself) new YouTube video.

He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of talking to Joe and this video was just more proof of that; every time Ben spoke in the video, Joe was smiling at him eagerly, encouraging him to continue. Ben had never really thought of himself as an interesting person before; the thought that he had found someone who was always so invested in everything he had to say made his heart flutter.

But more than that, Ben loved watching Joe talk. His face would light up like a Christmas tree whenever you got him started on a subject he was passionate about; he would inch forwards in his seat and talk with his whole body, hands gesturing frantically. Ben didn’t think Joe even realised he was doing it but he was more than happy to sit back and enjoy the show.

And yes, after watching the video several times Ben had finally noticed the adoring expression that appeared on his face every time Joe went off on an excited tangent about something. It was a fact he was slowly learning to live with.

He was jolted back to earth by a casual glance at the comments section of the video. He swallowed around his suddenly dry throat and paused the video to read them properly.

 ** _Omg you and Ben are so cute together_**

_**Is it bad that I kinda ship them?** _

_**It lowkey seemed like they were flirting ngl** _

Shit.

Ben may have been slowly coming to terms with his feelings for Joe but he was nowhere near ready for other people to find out. The thought of the viscous words he heard every day at school following him home, sneering up at him from his laptop screen evening as he tried to escape them, it was all too much.

He had to hide this from Joe. It would destroy their friendship if Joe found out about his stupid feelings; he couldn’t allow that to happen. He’d have to somehow persuade Joe to delete the video, before he saw the comments.

*

“Oi Hardy! Quit looking at me funny and get yer kit on ya fag.”

Ben winced at the slur, already feeling his cheeks heat up as he lowered his head. He hadn’t been staring at Tom, the captain, but rather at the poster tacked on the wall behind him. His teammate had obviously gotten the wrong idea.

He felt Gwilym rise from the bench beside him, discreetly squeezing his knee as he did so. Neither of them dared to be more openly affectionate in front of the rest of the rugby team (they could do without the resulting tirade of harsh shoves and biting insults) but the simple gesture meant a lot to Ben. It was Gwil's way of telling him he wasn’t facing all of this alone.

Practice, as usual, was brutal. His teammates would take every opportunity to knock all the wind out of his lungs every time they tackled him. They’d occasionally throw in an elbow to the face or a kick in the ribs as well, under the pretext of ‘toughening him up, the little fairy.’ His coach did nothing to stop them, brushing it all off as ‘just a bit of fun' or ‘boys being boys.’ 

He dreaded to think what would happen if one of the boys saw Joe’s YouTube video. They wouldn’t just target Ben but Joe too and Joe had enough to worry about without people spamming his comment section with homophobic slurs.

He trudged back to the changing rooms, having excused himself for a toilet break but really just needing 5 minutes to collect himself. It was taking up all his willpower not to wince every time he moved his hand, which had been aching ever since Tom had stamped on it. He opened up Instagram and saw that Joe’s latest post had been spammed with comments similar to the ones on the video; all about how cute a couple he and Joe would make.

He sighed; he knew, deep down, that there was nothing wrong with him and that he wasn’t weird or dirty or different because of how he felt about Joe but the boys on the rugby team made him forget that sometimes.

Joe would take down the video if he asked him to, Ben was sure of it. But Joe would want to know why. Then Ben would have to tell Joe that the boys on his team were giving him shit and Joe would inevitably ask him why their attitude bothered him so much and that was a whole can of worms Ben didn’t want to open right now. Joe would definitely take down the video, Ben reassured himself, so it was easier not to ask.

Joe would be annoyed at him for not asking permission but Ben needed to protect himself, even if it meant risking an argument with Joe. In the end he was doing them both a favour, he told himself. Joe wouldn’t like anyone (fan or otherwise) harassing him about his sexuality so really, Ben was just helping out a friend.

One day a few weeks ago, before everything got complicated, Joe had been joking about dying of boredom in one of his lessons. Ben scrolled up through their Instagram chat until he found the messages.

 **joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Ugh I stg I can feel my systems shutting off_

_This is the last time you’ll hear from me my old friend_

_Think of me from time to time won’t you_

**ben.hardy**

_Being a bit dramatic there Joe_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Shut up Ben you’re ruining my monologue_

**ben.hardy**

_Oh I’m terribly sorry_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Yeah you should be_

_Anyway I will continue after that incredibly rude interruption_

**ben.hardy**

_Please do_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_SHUT UP_

_As I was saying_

_Here’s the password to my YouTube channel Ben_

_Promise me you’ll continue my noble work_

**ben.hardy**

_What your noble job of rambling about Queen while ignoring your other responsibilities_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Exactly_

_It is a noble profession that must be upheld_

**ben.hardy**

_I’ll do my best_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Don’t fail me_

**ben.hardy**

_Please when have I ever let you down_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_That’s true you never have_

Until now, Ben thought to himself.

He shook his head frustratedly; he was trying to help Joe and he only had another minute or so before the team would start getting suspicious. He needed to stop letting Joe distract him so easily.

But never mind, what mattered was that he had the password to Joe’s channel. He took a deep breath, jaw set, and logged in.

*

Ben switched off the record player with a sigh. He had been trying all evening to find something that would take his mind off the video. Watching Joe’s other videos hadn’t worked so he'd tried listening to a Queen record but that made him think about Joe too. He picked up an old Harry Potter book and attempted to focus on that instead.

He had done the right thing by taking down the video, he was helping Joe. But no matter how many times he stubbornly repeated that thought his insides still twisted with guilt.

He heard his phone ring and picked it up, an icy cold feeling flooding through him when he read the caller ID. It was Joe.

“Joe.” Ben didn’t know what else to say. “How're you doing?” he tried.

Joe ignored the question and got straight to the point. “I was just on YouTube and I saw that the video of us has been deleted. I didn’t do it and you’re the only person I’ve ever given the password to so I’m just calling to ask you why you took it down.” Joe’s voice was stiff and overly calm; Ben couldn’t tell if he was hiding anger or worry. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Urm, well I-" Ben shifted slightly on his bed, casting his eyes around the room frantically as he tried to come up with a believable explanation “- I just decided I wasn’t comfortable with a video of me being watched by thousands of people on the internet anymore.” That was true, at least. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

“Well why didn’t you just ask me to take it down? I told you I would if you changed your mind about the video.”

“Exactly, you said you’d take it down if I asked so I knew you wouldn’t mind. It was just quicker and easier not to bother you.” 

“Are you sure about that Ben? Or did you just not want to have to answer when I asked you why you really wanted to delete the video?”

Joe always did have an annoying ability to see right through him. He didn’t know how he’d been stupid enough to believe that Joe would just let something like this go but the fear of being found out must have clouded his ability to think straight. 

“Talk to me Ben.” Joe's voice was gentler this time. “What’s wrong?” 

Ben almost told him. But the worry and concern in Joe’s voice had reminded him of someone else for a split second. He was forcibly dragged through a dark tunnel of memories: Tom, and his anger; the laughing; the shouted insults in the corridors; the punches to the face as he was shoved up against the lockers. 

“There’s nothing wrong Joe.”

“Are you sure?” He sounded worried. 

“I’m sure.” Ben snapped, wincing at the sharpness of his tone. “Sorry.”

“What for?”

For snapping at you, Ben thought. For lying to you, for hacking into your account and deleting that stupid video. For having these stupid feelings and not knowing how to handle them.

“Never mind. Bye Joe.”

“Ben I-“ 

Ben hung up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean I did warn you it was gonna get angsty :)
> 
> I was having a bad day and thought hey let's take it out on Ben so I'm sorry for that
> 
> Don't worry though, things will get better soon. In the meantime please don't hurt me


	9. In which Ben is a mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I told a few of you that it wasn't going to get much worse. Well, I lied :)
> 
> I wasn't intending for this chapter to be so angsty it just kind of happened so I'm sorry for misleading you all in my replies to your comments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the first scene of this chapter contains violence; it's nothing too graphic but if anyone doesn't want to read it, I'll summarise the scene in the end notes.  
> It starts at the ++++++  
> When you see the ++++++ for a second time, it's safe to read again.

Ben hurried down the corridor to meet Gwilym, silently cursing his history teacher for letting the class out late. He barely resisted the urge to kick the locker doors shut as he passed them, it had been a bad day.

His default reaction nowadays would be to call Joe; give it 5 minutes and he would say something so utterly idiotic that Ben would have to laugh and then his bad mood would disappear. Unfortunately, he hadn’t spoken to Joe since the incident after rugby practice a few days ago so he was stuck feeling sorry for himself.

It wasn’t too late to fix things. If Gwil knew about what had happened he would surely be nagging at Ben to talk to Joe. But Ben wouldn’t know how, wouldn’t be able to explain his behaviour to Joe without revealing that he was gay. He couldn’t honestly imagine that Joe would have a problem with it; Joe had never judged Ben for being weird or awkward. Why should this be any different?

Except the boys on the rugby team had liked that he was awkward and weird once. Before they found out that he was, well... _different._ They'd judged him pretty hard after that. 

He was so caught up in his train of thought that he didn’t notice Tom until he bumped into him. “Watch where you’re going _fag!”_ Tom spat, voice like a violent spark.

Ben was surprised when he didn’t feel the familiar embarrassment flooding through him. But Tom’s words had set alight the tightly coiled wires of emotion he had buried for so long. The lying and the secrets and the fighting all became too much and he felt anger coursing through his veins. 

**++++++**

“That’s really funny Tom,” he hissed “because you know what they say?” His words dripped like poison ice. Then he exploded. “It takes one to know one.” He practically growled as he gripped Tom by the lapels of his blazer and shoved him against the wall. 

“Hardy what the _fuck?”_ Tom yelled, pushing Ben away from him. He threw a punch which sent spasms of pain along Ben’s jaw but this time Ben raised his fist to hit back. 

He stopped. Could he really hit Tom? Despite everything Tom and his friends had put him through, he had never hit them back; it would make him no better than them. The only thing that had kept him going through all this was the knowledge that the boys who beat him up for being different were weak and that refusing to rise to the bait made him strong. 

He was prepared to lower his fist and run but Tom took advantage of his hesitation, using it to push Ben to the ground. He tried to haul himself back up but Tom stamped on his hand. It was Ben’s turn to cry out in pain. He brought his hand up to his face to examine his already bruising fingers, letting out a choked sob as Tom used his distraction to kick him multiple times in the ribs and stomach. He could feel the skin ripping apart each time Tom drove his combat boots into his side.

School was long since finished and the corridor around them was deserted. Ben realised with a jolt of fear that no one was coming to rescue him from Tom’s attack. He grit his teeth; he'd got himself into this mess so he’d have to get himself out again. Preserving his dignity didn’t matter anymore, he just had to get away.

Still lying on the floor, he kicked Tom repeatedly in the shin. Hard. He scrambled to his feet as Tom doubled over in pain and drove his elbow into the exposed back of Tom’s head a few times for good measure, hopefully dazing him enough that he wouldn’t run after Ben.

Then he bolted.

**++++++**

The rush of adrenaline he got from sprinting down the corridor was enough to dull the pain of his injuries for a while. But when he reached the exit and slowed to a stop in front of a horrified Gwilym, his temporary anaesthetic wore off and a bone deep ache set in.

“Ben! Oh my God what happened?” Ben was dimly aware of Gwil's panicked voice at the corners of his consciousness. The rest of his brain was occupied with being exhausted and in pain.

“Come on we need to get you to the nurse, get you patched up.”

“No!” Ben pleaded, though even that simple action pulled sharply at the muscles in his side and he had to suppress a gasp of pain. “She'll tell my parents.”

Gwilym sighed heavily. “And you really don’t think they’ll know what happened as soon as they look at you?”

“Gwil please,” Ben groaned “just take me home. I don’t have the energy to argue about this.”

“I can’t take you home like this! Your parents will have a heart attack.”

“They won’t be home yet. We’ve got a first aid kit at home anyway. You’ve done a course, you can patch me up.”

Gwilym hesitated. “I don’t think I’m qualified. Please just let me take you to the nurse.”

“Nope.” Ben said firmly. “Come on Gwil, I’ve seen you deal with worse than this on the rugby field.”

“Ben stop it. You’re clearly in a lot of pain and your fingers look like they could be broken. Either you let me take you to the nurse or I call your parents and have them meet us at the hospital. Your choice.”

Ben sighed. Gwil clearly wasn’t budging on this.

“Alright fine,” he said grudgingly “I’ll go to the stupid nurse’s office. But how are we gonna explain all this?” He gestured vaguely to his bruised face. “I’m not telling her I got in a fight.” he added quickly after Gwilym opened his mouth.

“Tell her you tripped and fell down the stairs?” Gwilym suggested.

Ben just rolled his eyes at him.

“Well I bet you can’t think of anything better.” he said defensively.

Ben thought hard for a moment. “You’re right, I can’t.” he said. “Let’s go.”

*

They were sat on the sofa in Ben’s living room (the nurse having mercifully told Ben that none of his bones were broken) when Gwilym brought the subject up again.

“So are you finally going to tell your parents that all this has been happening?”

Ben sighed audibly. “I’ve told you this countless times. There’s no point; it’s only going to make them worried about me and there’s nothing they can do about it.”

“But maybe they could do something about it.” Gwilym said. “Have you seen those bruises Ben? You’ve never looked this bad after a fight. You can’t let him do this to you again.”

“Gwil I don’t have a choice.” Ben was rapidly growing tired of this argument. “I have to keep ignoring him because if I do anything else then Tom will know he’s bothering me and I am not giving that bastard the satisfaction of getting what he wants.”

“Or maybe you could stop being so stubborn and tell your parents about it. They can report it to the school and the teachers can deal with Tom.” Gwilym's face suddenly lit up. “He might even get expelled and then we won’t have to put up with him ever again.”

“Gwil be realistic,” Ben scoffed. “The school’s never gonna chuck Tom out; they’re not getting rid of their star player. The most they’ll do is give him detention, which will only make him even more pissed off at me than he is already and make the whole situation worse. Or they’ll try and get me to move schools and I don’t want that.”

“Are you sure Ben?” Gwilym asked gently. “I know it might be weird and nerve-wracking at first, settling in somewhere different and I’d miss you like crazy but don’t you think you’d be happier if you could get away from all this?”

Ben thought about it for a few moments. He pictured himself walking through other grey-walled corridors, under other fluorescent lights, playing for another rugby team full of other homophobic bullies.

“No.” he answered. “For all I know, there’s people just like Tom in every school around here, or maybe someone worse. I can deal with Tom and the others when I’ve got you to help me. It fucking sucks but I can deal with it. If I went to another school and had to start all over again, face everything on my own I- well...” Ben ducked his head sheepishly. “I’d be lost without you Gwil.”

He risked a glance up at Gwilym and saw that he was smiling.. 

“I love you too mate.” Gwil said, wrapping an arm around Ben and tugging him roughly into his side, ruffling Ben’s hair and making a complete mess of it. Ben pushed him off with a grin and they went back to watching TV.

*

When Ben’s parents arrived home, to say they were worried would be a huge understatement.

His mother’s fingers gingerly traced the blooming bruise on his jaw and the split lip that Ben couldn’t remember getting. His father demanded to know who had done this to him and Gwilym sent Ben a pointed look. The message was clear: ‘tell him.’ 

“I tripped and fell down the stairs as I was leaving school.” Ben said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Gwilym looking at him exasperatedly, before he quickly schooled his features into a neutral expression.

Ben felt both grateful to Gwil for covering for him and like a dick for forcing him to play along with his lie.

Judging by his parents raised eyebrows, they didn’t believe him anyway.

“Why didn’t the school call us to let us know what had happened?” asked his mother with an accusatory glint in her eye.

“It was at the end of the day and we got let out of history late; there were no teachers around to see me.” 

“If there were no teachers there, who bandaged your hand up?” 

“Oh the nurse did it, she was still there.”

“And why didn’t the nurse call us?”

Because I asked her not to, Ben thought.“She didn’t have your number.” he lied easily.

“So why didn’t you get your phone out and give it to her?”

“My phone was dead.”

“Why didn’t you ring us once you got home?” asked his father. “You’ve had plenty of time to charge your phone.”

“I didn’t want to worry you, that’s all.”

“What you thought it would be better to give us a heart attack when we came home and saw you like this?” his mother sounded a little hysterical and Ben immediately felt horrible for upsetting his parents like this.

“I’m sorry mum,” he said, hanging his head.

“Ben, we can see you obviously don’t want to talk about this.” Ben looked up at the sound of his father’s voice. “We’re not going to pressure you into telling us anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”

“But it’s clear that there’s something going on here and we want to help you,” his mother continued. “We hope you know that we’re always here and we hope you’ll feel ready to talk to us soon. Please just let someone help you Ben, even if it’s a teacher or the school councillor instead of us.”

“Okay mum.” Ben said. He appreciated his parents’ support but he was finding the whole conversation unbearably awkward. 

He looked over to where Gwilym was standing in the corner, pretending to be incredibly interested in a painting on the wall. “Is it ok if Gwil stays for dinner?” he asked.

Gwilym looked up and met Ben’s eyes, seeing that Ben was asking him as much as his parents. He nodded imperceptibly and Ben almost sighed with relief; he really didn’t want to be alone with his parents just yet.

“Of course,” said his dad. “We’ll go and make a start on it now.”

His parents disappeared to the kitchen and Gwilym walked over to him. He didn’t say anything. He simply held out his arms and enveloped Ben in a hug, holding him gently to avoiding hurting Ben’s bruised ribs. Ben didn’t realise how much he’d needed one until he found himself suddenly never wanting to let go.

“Gwil I-"

“It’s ok Ben. You don’t have to say anything, it’s all gonna be okay.”

Ben thought with a pang of Joe, of his pretty hazel eyes and his smile like dappled sunlight. He didn’t think things would ever be okay again and he had no idea what to do. It was a desperate hope, but maybe his best friend could help him fix this.

“Actually Gwil-" he reluctantly pulled away to stare up at Gwilym “-there's something I need to tell you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we can all agree that Ben's needed a hug for a while now so I gave him one :)
> 
> For anyone who didn't read the whole fight scene:  
> Ben shoves Tom against the wall and Tom punches him in retaliation; Ben goes to hit back but stops himself (since that would make him no better than Tom.) 
> 
> Unfortunately Tom uses his hesitation to keep hitting him. As you've seen in the rest of the fic, he gives Ben quite a few injuries.


	10. In which Gwilym has a plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwilym has an idea to get Ben and Joe talking again

Joe sighed and tossed his phone on the bed when Rami didn’t pick up for the 4th time. He was probably on a date with Lucy. Joe was happy for him, he was, but without Rami to distract him he was finding it hard to ignore the pain he felt in his chest every time he thought about Ben.

It had been a week since their phone call about the video and Ben hadn’t spoken to him since. With Rami caught up in the whirlwind of first love and Ben's radio silence, Joe was feeling almost as lonely as he had those first few terrible days after he’d lost his father.

There was a knock at the door and his mom poked her head into the room. “Just letting you know dinner will be ready in 10 minutes honey,” she said. When she saw Joe’s dejected expression she stepped fully into the room. “Is everything alright?”

Joe sighed heavily. “No, not really,” he said. His mom took a seat on the edge of his bed and patted the space next to her. “I guess I’m just feeling a little alone,” he said as he sat down.

“Is this about your dad sweetie?” she asked gently. 

“No, it’s-uh-it’s about something different actually.”

“Well, whatever it is, I’m all ears; we said we were gonna talk to each other about how we feel remember? That applies to everything.”

“Okay, so Rami’s been hanging out with this girl, Lucy, a lot recently. And before you ask, yes he likes her.” His mom raised her hands in mock surrender, letting him continue. “So Rami’s not been around as much to talk to lately and my friend Ben hasn’t been speaking to me this week either so I guess I’m feeling a bit pushed out.”

His mom thought for a moment. “Talk to Rami.” she said. “Let him know how you feel or he won’t know to do anything about it. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to leave you out but he’s obviously a bit love struck right now-" she grinned at Joe and he grinned back “-he’ll come round.

“As for this Ben, is he the one from England you told me about?”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“Well I couldn’t tell you why he hasn’t been talking to you but he’s probably just a little busy or something. I know a week can feel like a long time but you probably just need to be patient and wait for him to talk to you again.”

“Maybe. I just wish I could explain why it bothers me so much but- I don’t know; I can’t find the right words.”

“Well, you know where to find me when you do,” his mom said, reaching out to ruffle his hair; he laughed and squirmed away from her. 

“Come on,” she said, grabbing his hand to pull him to his feet “you’ll feel better once you’ve had some food.” He grinned and followed her downstairs.

*

He had been lying on his bed, determinedly not thinking about Ben, for about 5 minutes when his phone buzzed with a notification. He unlocked it and saw he had a new message on Instagram.

**seriousleegwil**

_Hi you don’t know me but I’m a friend of Ben’s_

Joe quickly looked at the guy's profile; there were several photos of him and Ben together so it seemed likely he was telling the truth. He decided to check, just to be safe.

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_What’s his dog’s name?_

**seriousleegwil**

_Frankie_

_Why do you want to know?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Sorry just checking you’re really his friend and not a creep_

**seriousleegwil**

_No don’t apologise_

_I get it I probably seem like a weirdo messaging you out of the blue like this_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Well yeah I’ll admit it is a little weird_

_Ben hasn’t spoken to me in a week and suddenly his friend is messaging me_

**seriousleegwil**

_Well yeah that’s kind of why I’m here_

_Because Ben hasn’t been speaking to you_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Has something happened with him?_

_Is he ok?_

**seriousleegwil**

_It’s not my place to tell you_

_Let’s just say Ben really needs to talk to you_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Well then why is he ignoring me_

**seriousleegwil**

_Because he’s worried that this thing that’s happened is going to make you hate him_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_That’s impossible I could never hate him_

**seriousleegwil**

_And that’s why we need to find a way to trick him into talking to you_

_So you can tell him that_

_And then he’ll tell you what’s going on and you can help him with it_

_Because god knows the stubborn bastard won’t let me help him_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Well I can’t promise I can magically fix all Ben’s problems_

_But if we can get him to talk to me I promise I’ll try_

_Any ideas?_

**seriousleegwil**

_A few_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Then let’s get to work_

*

After about an hour of discussing increasingly crazy ideas, they had decided the best thing to do was for Gwilym to watch a YouTube video on his phone with Ben and then have Joe video call Gwil at 4 o'clock (or 16 00 hours as Gwil had called it) so that Ben wouldn’t be able to ignore Joe’s calls any longer. 

Sure, it was boring but it was less likely to destroy Ben’s friendship with them both than tying him go a chair and forcing him to listen to Joe, for example.

He wasn’t sure why Gwilym had suggested that, even less why he had thought it was a good idea; they were both very tired by that point.

He glanced at his phone again; 3:59. The next minute passed excruciatingly slowly but at last it was 4 o'clock. He pressed the video camera icon at the top of the page. Gwil picked up almost instantly.

“Hey mate.”

“Gwil what the fuck is going on?” Ben looked moderately terrified at the sight of Joe’s face on the screen. 

“What’s going on is that you and Joe are about to have a long overdue conversation,” said Gwilym.

Ben looked even more terrified at those words and Joe instantly felt awful for making his friend so uncomfortable. But he needed to know what was going on; he had sensed that something was up when he called Ben about the video and he’d only been growing more and more worried during the week of silence. 

“Gwil, I can’t believe you’re doing this.” Ben hissed.

“I’m sorry for going behind your back Ben, I really am.” Gwil’s voice sounded pained. “But you wouldn’t listen to me when I said you needed to talk to Joe, this was the only way I could think of.”

“What, secretly telling Joe all my secrets behind my back?”

“He hasn’t told me a thing Ben.” As Joe spoke, Ben turned to look at him, really look at him, for the first time. He noticed a bright blue and purple bruise on Ben’s jaw and immediately felt anger bubbling through his veins. Who had done that to him? He hoped for their sake that he never found out.

“Ben, Gwil only did all this because I needed to talk to you. Because I was getting so worried and I wanted to see if you were okay. Please, don’t be mad at him.”

Gwil cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’m gonna let you two talk.” he said, moving to stand up. “Please talk to him Ben, you can’t keep hiding from this.” Then he was gone.

Silence fell between the two of them. It stretched for several long seconds until Joe decided he couldn’t bear it any longer and spoke up:

“Ben, Gwil and I didn’t plan this to make you uncomfortable. We did it because you’ve been shutting us both out and we wanted to remind you that it’s okay to reach out for your friends when you need them.

“I don’t know what’s happened but whatever it is, you don’t have to face it by yourself. I’m not going to force you to talk but I hope you know that I’d never judge you. You helped me when...when my dad died. It’s my turn to help you now, if you’ll let me.”

Ben sighed heavily. “Gwil's right, I can’t keep hiding from you forever.”

“Hiding from me? Why?” The thought that Ben was afraid to tell him something hurt Joe more than he let on.

He looked back at Ben on the screen. He was biting his lip as though deep in thought. Joe watched until finally he seemed to come to a decision.

“Because I was afraid of how you’d react if I told you I’m gay.”

Joe blinked. 

“Well, if you were to tell me that,” Joe began tentatively “I’d tell you that it doesn’t matter to me; you’re one of my best friends and your sexuality could never change that. I’d tell you that I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me, that means a lot to me.”

“Oh and I’d tell you that I’m sure, somewhere up there, Freddie’s proud of you for telling me too.” he added with a quiet laugh.

Ben stared at him, looking a little shell-shocked. He pushed his hair out of his eyes with a shaky hand. His eyes seemed oddly bright and Joe realised with alarm that Ben was trying not to cry.

“Ben, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-"

“No it’s alright.” Ben’s voice sounded a little shaky too. “It’s more than alright actually, I uh- well... thanks, Joe.” 

“Anytime.” Joe smiled and his heart leapt when Ben smiled back. God he had missed that smile.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Was there a reason you didn’t tell me sooner? Was it something I said or did? Because if it was, I want you to know I never meant to make you feel like I wouldn’t accept you and I’m so-"

“Relax, Joe; you didn’t do anything.” There was silence for a moment, except for the soft sound of Ben’s breathing. Then he spoke again: “the reason I didn’t tell you is because of these boys at school...”

Joe sat back and listened as Ben told the whole story. He let out a low whistle when Ben explained that he’d sustained his injuries when that guy Tom attacked him after school. Joe was going to murder the bastard if he ever had the misfortune of meeting him. 

“...and then I saw these comments on our video of people saying that they thought we were, you know, together and I- I’m really sorry Joe I just panicked. I had this terrible thought that one of them might see it and start targeting you as well just to try and get to me even more. I couldn’t let them hurt you. And I know you hate me for what I did but that’s why I felt like I had to do it. I’m sorry.”

Joe felt like the worst person in the world. He’d been hurt and angry with Ben for deleting the video, convincing himself that Ben had betrayed his trust and it turned out Ben had been trying to protect them both the whole time.

“Ben, it’s okay; you don’t need to apologise for anything. I don’t blame you for doing what you did; you felt alone and afraid and you did what you had to do to feel safe. And I never hated you, I don’t think I ever could.”

“Really?”

“Of course not, have you seen yourself? You’re too sweet to stay mad at.” Ben blushed at the compliment and Joe grinned, he was kind of cute when he was embarrassed. Wait...

“So now I’ve told you everything-" Ben coughed a little awkwardly “-are you going to give me any invaluable advice on how to deal with this?”

Joe laughed. “Why would you want advice from me? I’m an idiot.”

“You’re great at telling me exactly what I need to hear actually.” Joe rubbed the back of his neck nervously, surprised to hear that Ben thought of him that way. 

“Besides,” Ben continued “my age-old tactic of ignoring all my problems clearly doesn’t work anymore. Since, as I just told you, I snapped because everything became too much and ended up shoving Tom against a locker.”

“Yeah maybe that method isn’t the best.”

“I’m just so frustrated with myself,” Ben said. “This has been going on for nearly a year now but I never once fought back and that weirdly made it easier for me. I could deal with them picking on me because knew I was being the stronger person by rising above it.

"But a few days ago after school Tom hit me and I wanted to hit him back. I wanted to do it because he’d hit me so many times and I hated him for it. I suppose I’m just as bad as him now.” he said, hanging his head.

“No, no you’re not,” Joe. Ben looked up with surprise at the firmness in his voice. “You hate Tom and the others because they beat you up for something you can’t change about yourself, they hate you because of who you are; it’s not the same thing. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that hating someone for being prejudiced makes you no better than they are because it’s absolute bullshit.”

“Thanks Joe but-"

“No buts; I’m gonna keep saying this until you believe me. You’re a good person Ben; you’re one of the kindest people I know. You should never feel bad for disliking someone because if they’ve managed to hurt someone as nice as you, they don’t deserve to be liked anyway.” 

Joe realised then that he was probably coming across as a bit crazy but he couldn’t help it. He felt inexplicably compelled to reassure Ben that he was an amazing person. He was just being a good friend, he reasoned. After all, Ben’s self esteem had clearly taken a few hits lately.

“To answer your question, I think what you need to do is stand up for yourself a bit more.” Joe said. “I’m not saying you need to fight anyone,” he added at the look of alarm on Ben’s face “but I think the only way to stop them from targeting you is to show them that you aren’t ashamed of who you are and that you won’t let them give you shit for it anymore.”

Ben still looked alarmed at Joe’s words. “I’m not sure if I can do that Joe. I- I can’t just tell everyone I’m gay; there’ll be others who’ll have a problem with it besides Tom and I can’t stand up to them all on my own.”

“Well there's your first mistake Benny because you’re not gonna be alone.” Ben’s eyes widened a little at the nickname and Joe felt his cheeks heat up once he realised what he'd said but he decided to ignore it.

“You’re not gonna be alone because I’m going to help you.”

“How?”

But Joe just smiled cryptically. “You’ll see.” he said. 

He knew what he had to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)  
> I'm going on holiday on Saturday so I might take a bit longer to upload the next few chapters 
> 
> Also if you want come talk to me on Instagram, my username's itsametaphorbrian7


	11. In which Joe drops a bombshell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe finally reveals his plan to help Ben

Ben knew that Joe was up to something. In the week that followed the video call where he had told Joe the truth (well, some of the truth) Ben had tried to get Joe to reveal just exactly how he planned to help no less than 13 times. Joe had stubbornly refused to tell him anything which meant, knowing Joe as well as he did, that Ben was prepared for everything from an hour long PowerPoint explaining why he should tell his parents and the school to Joe buying a plane ticket to London and killing Tom himself.

Being prepared for all those eventualities, however, didn’t make Ben in any way prepared for the title of Joe’s new video:

_Oh and I’m also bisexual_

Ben stared at the screen for several seconds, dumbfounded. Once he regained enough presence of mind to click on the video he watched as Joe looked nervously into the camera.

“Hey everyone,” Joe said. “You’ve probably seen the title of this video so you know what I’m about to say but here it is anyway-" Joe let out a deep breath “-I’m bi.” 

Ben wasn’t sure what to think; he’d been wallowing so deep in unrequited love that he’d never stopped to consider the idea that Joe was anything other than straight. Although Joe liking boys didn’t automatically mean he liked Ben, he allowed himself a glint of hope for the first time.

“I’ve been debating whether or not to make this video for a while now. I realised I was bisexual about 2 years ago,” Joe continued on screen “and before you ask it wasn’t Roger Taylor who made me realise; surprising I know.” Ben laughed despite himself; trust Joe to make that joke in what was clearly meant to be a serious video.

“Long story short," Joe continued "I sat next to this guy in one of my 8th grade classes (I’m not gonna say which class in case he’s watching this and remembers me because that would be extremely embarrassing) and I just felt like this- I don’t know how to explain it- this kind of soaring sensation in my stomach every time he smiled at me.” Joe grinned at the camera, embarrassed and Ben narrowed his eyes at the thought of Joe and this boy together.

“Anyways, I realised I had feelings for him, the same I’d had for a couple of girls before but like with every crush I’ve ever had I was too scared to act on them. I never asked him out or told him how I felt.” Joe had a faraway look in his eyes, as though he was lamenting what could have been. Seeing that look, Ben felt guilty for the tiny rush of happiness he’d got when he realised Joe and this boy weren’t dating.

“I’ve always been comfortable with my sexuality and I’ve never had any problems accepting myself. I got lucky that way, I didn’t realise just how lucky until recently. The reason I didn’t make this video sooner is because, whilst I’ve always been cool with who I am, there are a lot of people, both gay and straight, who aren’t okay with bisexuality and I didn’t want to face any backlash.

“I never thought of my sexuality as that big of a deal; it doesn’t define who I am and that’s partly why I’ve worded the title of the video this way. I see being bi as a kind of footnote tacked onto the long list of things that make me who I am, it was never something I felt that strongly about so I didn’t see the point of taking shit for it.

“But then about a week ago I was talking to a friend who didn’t have it as easy as me; some people they knew bullied them for being gay and that made them doubt themself. When they told me I felt absolutely awful and I wanted to help them in any way I could. I realised the best way to stop homophobic bullying, to stop any kind of bullying, is to be proud of who you are; if you stand up and own it and make it clear that you won’t take any shit for it then no one can hurt you. If they can’t hurt you they’ll soon stop trying.

“For ages I’ve treated my sexuality as this low-key thing but now, I’m gonna be proud of it. I’m proud because I refuse to let anyone make me ashamed of who I am and I’m doing this for my friend and for anyone else who’s ever felt ashamed to be themselves. I’m hoping that by coming out I can help a few of you find the courage to embrace who you are.

“I’m gonna wrap this up now but first, a quick message to the person this video is dedicated to,” Joe looked directly into the camera; Ben felt as though he was staring into his soul. “You’re not alone; you _can_ stand up to them and you _can_ be yourself because everyone who likes this video is behind you. And I’m behind you too but-" Joe gave a small smile “-you already knew that.”

“Alright, I’ll see you guys soon.” Joe waved at the camera and the video ended.

Ben looked at the total number of likes: 3.5K 

He scrolled to the comments of the video. A few stood out.

_**Idk who Joe dedicated this to but if you’re reading this I hope you know there’s nothing wrong with who you are; anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong** _

_**If Joe’s friend is reading this I just wanna say I know what you’re going through; it sucks but I promise things will get better**_

_**Whoever he dedicated this to we’re all here for you** _

He lasted about 10 seconds before the tears started to fall. He’d felt surrounded by hate for so long and this new found acceptance was like a blast of heat from the fire after battling a snowstorm. He was overwhelmed by a feeling of warmth and his body's reaction to that seemed to be sobbing his heart out into his pillow. 

He wished Joe were here with him right now. That absolute bastard. That absolute fucking brilliant bastard. Who did he think he was, just waltzing in here and making Ben feel  _things_ , making him feel more than he had in days, weeks even; turning him into a emotional wreck holding his pillow for dear life as wave after wave of happy tears overcame him. 

On second thought, it was probably a good thing Joe wasn’t there because,right then, Ben could have said fuck you to the consequences and kissed him.

As soon as he had calmed down enough to be able to hold a proper conversation, he called Joe.

*

Joe was wrenched from sleep by the sound of his phone ringing. He squinted at the blindingly bright screen and saw that Ben was calling him. The alarm clock on his nightstand read 4:17 AM.

There were very few people who Joe was willing to FaceTime at 4:17 AM. Unfortunately for him, Ben was one of those people; he sighed and answered the call. 

“Hello?” he said blearily.

“Joe? You look really tired mate, are you ok?”

“Tired? I wonder why. Oh wait, maybe it’s because you called me at fucking 4 AM.”

“4 AM? Oh shit the time difference. I’m so sorry Joe it honestly just slipped my mind for a moment, guess I was a bit distracted. I can call back later if you want.”

“Nah it’s okay, I’m awake now. And distracted by what?”

“You.” Joe felt his cheeks heat up and when he looked back at the screen he saw that Ben was blushing too.

“Sorry, that came out wrong,” Ben said. “I meant that I just really needed to talk to you and I suppose I forgot you'd be asleep. I saw your YouTube video.”

Joe felt like his stomach was twisting itself into knots. “What did you think?” he asked.

“I think it’s really bloody unfair,” Ben began “how I’ve been struggling with this shit for over a year and got nowhere but then you show up, make me feel fifty times better and come up with a solution to all my problems like it’s nothing.” Joe laughed softly at that.

“Hey, sometimes all you need is a different perspective; gives you a bit of distance and clarity you know?”

“Whatever, the point is I wanted to thank you. You’ve helped me so much; you were helping me before you even knew me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your videos,” Ben said simply. “After a while I sort of became a bit desensitized to it all but right at the beginning the- the bullying, it used to really get to me. I’d come home every day after school feeling worthless but then I started watching your videos. I’m not going to pretend they solved everything but they made me smile and laugh and they let me forget about everything that was going on at school for a bit.”

“Really?” Joe wasn’t sure what else to say, he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing.

“Yeah. And you were always so easy to relate to. I felt like you understood me, even though you had no idea I existed, and that made me feel a lot less alone; I’m grateful to you for that.” Then he laughed nervously. “Wow I can’t believe I’m actually telling you all this, I probably sound like a right twat.”

“No, no you don’t Ben,” Joe said. He was more than a little choked up but he felt less embarrassed about that when he noticed that Ben’s face was streaked with tear tracks. “I don’t think you realise how much it means to me to hear you say that. The whole reason I started my channel was because-"

“-you wanted to help people.” Ben finished. “Yeah, I know. Thank you for helping me,” he added with a soft smile.

Joe smiled back; he had never felt the urge to hug someone so strongly in his life before. That night a week ago, when Ben had admitted what was really going on and had cried in front of him for the first time, Joe had longed to wrap his arms around him, to let Ben lean into his chest while his shirt soaked up Ben’s tears. Not for the first time, he had cursed the 3000 miles or so that separated them.

The desire to hug Ben was back again, which was weird since he didn’t seem to be hurting in any way. Despite the tears on his cheeks, he looked happier than Joe had ever seen him; the thought that he was responsible for that dazzlingly bright smile made Joe’s heart swell with pride.

“Can I ask you something though?” Ben’s voice brought him back to earth.

“Sure.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were bi when I came out to you?”

Joe thought for a moment. “I guess I just didn’t want to go off on a tangent about how I realised I was bi and make it all about me; I could see that you had a lot to get off your chest and I didn’t want you to feel ignored.”

“Bullshit,” Ben said with a grin. “You just thought it would be more dramatic if you came out to me with a video.”

Joe laughed quietly, suddenly remembering that the rest of his family were still sleeping. “Well am I not entitled to be a little dramatic every once in a while?”

“Ha! So you admit it, you left me clueless for a whole week just for the drama.”

“Well you have to admit that me coming out to you by video was an epic plot twist; no one could have expected that, least of all you.”

“I wouldn’t say plot twist; it was more like a plot curve. Or a plot step-up if that’s a thing.”

“You’re not making any sense right now; you’re talking as if we’re in a book or something.”

“Ha can you imagine? What would it be called?”

“I don’t know. How about ‘The story of two idiots with an unhealthy obsession with Queen?”

“Nah that’s a bit too literal; it can be the working title.”

“Ouch. Didn’t realise you’d suddenly become an expert in writing Ben.”

“Shut up, you’re distracting me.” Ben replied with a smile. “What I meant about the plot twist thing was, you didn’t drastically change my life, you just-" he shrugged “-improved it.”

Joe wondered if maybe Ben was talking about more than just the video, found himself hoping that he was.

But Ben soon changed the subject and before long they were heatedly debating which Beatle was the best songwriter. I guess I’ll never know, he thought to himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that happened 
> 
> This was possibly my favourite chapter to write so far; I hope you guys had fun reading it :)


	12. In which things are looking up for Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes some new friends and an announcement   
> Joe realises something pretty big

Making students do maths first thing in the morning should be illegal, Ben thought miserably. He stared at the textbook page of quadratic equations in front of him but his mind was clouded with tiredness and he couldn’t comprehend any of it; not for the first time, he regretted staying up until 3AM to message Joe. His eyes felt heavy and he might have fallen asleep in the middle of the lesson if someone hadn’t chosen that moment to tap him on the shoulder.

“Ben?”

Ben turned his head to the side to see a girl with long blonde hair smiling at him a little awkwardly.

“Yeah?” he asked, confused as to why she wanted to talk to him. He'd sat next to her in maths all year and knew her name was Amy but up to this point the longest interaction they’d ever had was when she’d asked him to borrow a pencil one time.

“Okay so this is a bit weird,” Amy began “but- uh- my friend Molly, she sits behind you in history I think-"

“Oh yeah, I know who you mean.”

“Yeah. Anyway, she basically asked me to talk to you because she kind of likes you and she was wondering if maybe you wanted to go on a date with her.”

Fuck.

What the hell was Ben supposed to say to that? Molly was pretty and funny and popular, most of the guys at school would jump at the chance to go on a date with her. But Ben wasn’t most guys.

“Oh- wow okay. Uh could you tell her- tell her I’m really flattered, honestly I am, but I’m gonna have to say no. Sorry.”

Amy narrowed her eyes. “You were pretty blunt about that,” she said, something accusatory in her tone. “She’s liked you for ages and you just blow her off like that-" she snapped her fingers “- is it cos you have a girlfriend or something?”

Ben avoided her eyes. “Nope, no girlfriend.”

“Well then have you got a problem with my best friend?”

“What no, of course not.”

He wasn’t sure what made him say his next words. Normally he wouldn’t dream of telling someone he barely knew such a dangerous secret but he was sick and tired of having to hide his true feelings and having nice girls like Molly and Amy think he was a dick because of it. And yes, even though she currently looked as though she wanted to punch him, Ben knew Amy was only trying to stick up for her friend; she was a nice girl.

He didn’t know why he felt that so strongly, knowing her as little as he did, but he had a feeling in his gut that she wouldn’t judge him for this, that she would keep his secret if he asked her to. 

So Ben decided to take Joe’s advice and start embracing who he was. He told her:

“The reason I said no is cos I’m uh- well I’m gay.”

She scarcely even blinked. “Oh, well do you have a boyfriend then?”

He smiled at her. “Nope, no boyfriend either.”

They found other things to talk about pretty easily though. He would usually be reluctant to have a real conversation with someone he barely knew but the way she was leaning towards him, chin resting on her hand, suggested she was more than just idly curious, she was interested. She seemed to genuinely want to get to know him better. He couldn’t imagine why but he decided to humour her for a while.

Amy unfortunately wasn’t a fan of Queen (she was more in to musical theatre) but she did get out her phone under the desk to show him pictures of her family's dog. Ben told her about Frankie, his beagle, and when she asked to see a photo he was happy to oblige.

“Oh my god, she’s so cute!” Amy had squealed. Unfortunately she had done this rather loudly, loudly enough to attract the attention of their teacher, who had given them a stern look, causing both of them to subside into silent fits of giggles as soon as she turned her back.

By the time they were swapping Instagram usernames and promising to follow each other at the end of the lesson, Ben had the feeling he had just made a great new friend.

*

Ben’s good mood lasted until lunchtime. He was queueing up in the dining room when Tom and a few others roughly pushed in front of him. They turned around to face him, smiling crookedly.

“Alright _fag_?” one of them said. The others laughed, as though he'd told a hilariously original joke. As if they hadn’t been doing this every day for nearly a year.

This was the part where Ben would usually hang his head and pretend their words didn’t affect him. He dropped his gaze to stare at the grimy floor of the canteen but someone spoke up behind him.

“Don’t call him that!”

Ben turned to see Amy standing behind him with a couple of her friends, Ben was pretty sure their names were Anna and Amber. All three of them were glaring at the boy who had said the slur. 

“Why do you care?” Tom sneered at her. “Stay out of this alright?”

“It’s not fucking alright to say something like that!” said the girl Ben was pretty sure was Anna. Ben was taken aback by the anger in her voice; he wasn’t used to anyone getting so defensive on his behalf.

“We told you to stay out of it.” one of Tom’s friends growled. “You’re really starting to piss me off now. But because we're feeling nice, we'll give you one more chance to back _the fuck_ off okay?”

“And _we’ll_ give _you_ one more chance to leave him the fuck alone. _Okay_?” Anna practically hissed at him.

“Because, you see, homophobic twats like you really piss us off,” Amber said conversationally.

“And you wouldn’t like to see us pissed off.” Amy's smile was poisonous.

For three fairly unassuming teenage girls it was surprising how much they resembled a pack of wolves moving in for the kill. Ben made a mental note to never get on their bad side.

Grateful as he was for their support, he knew he had to start standing up for himself. He was sick of putting up with Tom and his bullshit; he wasn’t ashamed any more and he was going to make sure everyone realised it. 

“Thanks ladies,” he said. “But I think I can take it from here.”

“Guess what,” he said quietly, squaring up to Tom. “You were right; I am a fag. I like boys, I’m a fucking poofter. Now answer me this, what the hell are you gonna do about it?”

Tom laughed dryly. “I could tell people. Bet your mate Gwilym won’t be so friendly when he finds out you wanna suck his cock.”

He'd gone too far. Ben felt white hot rage seeping over him. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to beat Tom’s smug face into a bloody pulp. He clenched his fists, willing himself not to lose control. He was better than that; he’d handle Tom his way.”

All the inhibitions he'd previously had were gone now. “Hmm yeah, you could tell people. Or I could tell them first.”

“I'M GAY AND I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO KNOWS OKAY?” he yelled at the top of his voice. 

The canteen fell deathly silent. Heads whipped around to look at him. He suddenly felt a rush of embarrassment, he was too exposed. This was a bad idea.

He felt a warm hand in his, squeezing softly. He looked to his right and saw Amy smiling at him reassuringly. He managed an uneasy smile back.

When he looked back out at the rest of the students, he saw they had gotten over their shock. Most of them looked disinterested but some were grinning at him. He locked eyes with Gwilym, sat alone at a table in the corner, and beamed when his friend stood up and started clapping. His smile grew even brighter when Amy and her friends and a few others joined in.

Soon enough everyone went back to their lunch and Ben was left smirking at a dumbstruck Tom. 

“You little-" Tom lurched toward Ben. He raised his fist to throw a punch but Amber was quicker. She darted forward and socked him in the jaw. Tom staggered backwards, clutching at the side of his face.

Ben stared at her, impressed. Amber was about a foot shorter than Tom and looked at least 60 pounds lighter but she was clearly a lot stronger than she seemed; she had thrown a powerful punch.

When she saw Ben staring, she shrugged. “I wasn’t about to let him hit you. I’d do it again if I had to.”

“Thanks,” Ben said “but I don’t think he’ll be a problem any more.”

“I’d still rather not have to queue behind them.” Anna said. “Wanna sneak out and get chips?”

“You want to get chips with me?”

“Why not?” Amy asked. “You’re our friend now aren’t you?”

Ben was taken aback. “I-uh- yeah. If you’ll have me then yeah.”

She smiled warmly. “Go ask your friend Gwilym if he wants to come with us, he looked lonely back there.”

Ben was only too happy to oblige.

*

Joe smiled to himself as he clicked play on the video. The other day, Ben had mentioned that it was okay for him to re-upload the video they had made together. He’d made up some excuse to his viewers about there being a copyrighted song playing in the background that he’d had to remove and was now watching it for the third time that weekend.

There was a gentle knock at his bedroom door and after he yelled ‘come in" his mom stepped inside. He remained focused on his phone screen, waiting for her to speak. After a few seconds, she cleared her throat quietly and he looked up.

“What’s up mom?” he asked a little apprehensively.

She smiled. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

“I’m listening.”

“I saw your latest YouTube video-"

“You watch my videos?”

“Of course I do,” she said with a laugh. “They’re incredibly entertaining.”

He grinned bashfully. “Thanks.”

“I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Coming out to everyone on the internet, that was really brave honey. You’re going to change someone’s life by doing that, I just know it.”

“Wow I- thank you.” he said, a little overwhelmed by her praise. He’d come out to his family a few months ago- he'd wanted to tell his dad before it was too late- but coming out to his viewers had been an entirely different experience. He’d expected backlash but any hateful comments had been drowned out by a torrent of support he could never have anticipated.

“Your dad would be proud of you too you know,” she said quietly. He felt the now familiar mix of fondness and misery.

“I know.” he said, willing his voice not to crack.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while until his mom spoke up.

“So who’s this mysterious person you made the video for huh?” He wasn’t sure he liked the twinkle in her eye but he answered anyway.

“Oh I made it for my friend Ben. Why do you ask?”

“Well he must clearly mean a lot to you for you to do something as huge as coming out for him. I just wanted to know a bit more about him.”

“Mom you’re making it sound like we’re a couple or something.”

“You’re not?”

“No! Why would you think that?”

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe I misunderstood. I just need to run to the store real quick, make sure your siblings don’t kill each other while I’m gone won’t you?”

“Sure,” he replied distractedly as she left the room.

Why would his mom think he liked Ben? Sure he was sweet and funny and Joe always felt comfortable around him and his heart kinda did this excited skippy thing whenever he saw Ben smile and-

Oh.

Oh _fuck_ no.

He’d gone and fallen in love with Ben.


	13. In which Ben takes a risk or two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben isn't quite done with coming out yet and Joe is struggling to deal with his newly-discovered feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear the first part of this is set about a week after the scene at Ben's school, the second part is set about a month after the first part.

Ben looked at the clock for what must have been the 20th time that evening. 6:30 already; they’d be home any minute. Funny how when you’re begging for time to slow down it seems to speed up, just to spite you.

He cracked his knuckles again just to occupy his hands. Then he decided to text Gwilym.

**Ben**

_I’m not sure I can do this_

**Gwilliam**

_Have they not come home yet?_

**Ben**

_Nope_

_But they’ll be here soon and I’m kinda freaking out_

_This was a bad idea_

**Gwilliam**

_You want my advice?_

**Ben**

_Why else would I be texting you?_

**Gwilliam**

_Oh I don’t know maybe because you like me_

**Ben**

_Meh_

_You’re alright I guess_

**Gwilliam**

_I’m offended_

_Anyway being serious for a moment_

_I’m not going to force you to come out to your parents if you don’t feel ready_

_But I think if you do it’ll be another weight off_

**Ben**

_Yeah I know_

_I’m just nervous for some reason_

**Gwilliam**

_Don’t worry almost everyone is_

_Even when they know their parents love them and will probably be fine with it_

**Ben**

_Yeah_

_No offence but knowing that other people get nervous too isn’t really helping me rn_

**Gwilliam**

_Sorry_

_Well hey it’s your decision who you tell and when_

**Ben**

_I might as well get it over with_

_They’re gonna figure it out sooner or later_

**Gwilliam**

_That doesn’t mean you should tell them before you’re ready_

_But if you feel like it’s the right time go for it_

_I’m with you either way_

**Ben**

_Don’t I bloody know it_

_No matter how hard I try I just can’t get rid of you_

**Gwilliam**

_You’re stuck with me forever_

_Whether you like it or not_

**Ben**

_I suppose there are worse people I could be stuck with_

**Gwilliam**

_Watch it Hardy that was dangerously close to a compliment_

**Ben**

_Oh shut up_

Just then he heard the familiar screech of tires on gravel

 **Ben**

_My parents are pulling up in the driveway I have to go_

_Thanks for this Gwil god knows where I’d be without you_

**Gwilliam**

_Love you too Benny boo xx_

**Ben**

_I’m not even going to dignify that with a response_

**Gwilliam**

_Except you just responded_

**Ben**

_You are so annoying_

But he was smiling to himself as he heard the key in the lock.

He felt his nerves building back up as he listened to his parents hang up their coats. His mum and dad smiled at him as they entered the living room but their expressions swiftly shifted to ones of concern. Ben cringed inwardly; did he really look that scared?

“Hi mum, hi dad,” he said, trying to smile.

“Is everything alright sweetheart?” his mother asked.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I-uh- actually I kind of need to talk to you if that’s okay?”

“Ben you’re scaring us.” His father sat down across from him on the sofa. “What’s going on?”

He sat there for a moment, trying to find a way to lead into this. After deciding that an introductory speech would only be awkward and painful, he took a deep breath.

“I’m gay,” he said.

His parents looked at each other, wide-eyed, then back at Ben. His mother spoke up first.

“Ben sweetie, I’m so sorry.”

Okay Ben had been expecting a few different responses but not this. He blinked at her.

“Sorry for what?”

“For making you scared to come out us. I love you with all my heart, nothing could ever change that. I should have made sure you knew that. I’m sorry.”

Ben wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that so he tentatively opened his arms for a hug. She accepted with a stifled sob and he rubbed her back gently, burying his face in her shoulder. 

When they eventually broke apart, his father was looking at him, eyes narrowed. For a moment, Ben feared the worst but then his father spoke.

“Ben? Those bruises. That didn’t have anything to do with- did it? Did someone at school find out?”

“Uh-" Ben began. 

“You didn’t tell us.” Ben’s father couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “You didn’t tell us because you were afraid of how we’d react when we found out you were-“

“I’m sorry dad,” Ben interrupted. “I was being stupid, I should have told you.”

“No, you weren’t being stupid love. You’ve done nothing wrong and we’re not mad. I’m mad at myself, for making you feel this way but not at you.”

“Mum don’t- don’t blame yourself. I didn't- I didn’t lie about the bruises because I thought you’d be homophobic. I just didn’t see the point in burdening you when you wouldn’t be able to help.”

“We could talk to the school,” his dad said. “Threaten legal action if they don’t get rid of whoever did this to you. Who was it Ben? Give us a name and we’ll deal with him for you.”

“It uh- it was Tom dad. I mean there were others as well but it was mainly him.”

“ _Tom_? You mean your- Tom from primary school, Tom from the rugby team. That Tom?”

“Yep. That Tom. But it’s okay Dad; I’ve dealt with him myself, I don’t think he’ll be a problem anymore.”

“Dealt with him? How?”

“Last week I yelled to the whole canteen at lunch that I was gay. Figured he couldn’t use it against me if I owned it.”

“You- wow,” his mother said. “That was so brave of you sweetie.”

Ben ducked his head, unsure how to respond to the compliment.

“Anyway, we’ll go start on dinner,” his mum said, heading to the kitchen and motioning for her husband to join her. His father nodded and stood up. As his wife disappeared into the kitchen, he looked back at Ben.

“Have you got any homework left to do? You might want to make a start before dinner.”

Ben smiled slightly. “Nope, did it all earlier.”

“Atta boy,” his father said, ruffling his hair and chuckling when Ben ducked out from under his arm. He looked at Ben uncertainly for a moment before pulling him into a hug.

“I’m proud of you, son,” he said, sounding a little choked up. “And we’ll try- we're going to try and be more- more approachable. You shouldn’t feel like you have to bottle something like this up.”

“Okay dad,” Ben said simply. Telling his parents it wasn’t their fault that he kept his mouth shut would be pointless, he decided. 

They were trying, he thought to himself as his dad followed his mum into the kitchen. He sat back down on the sofa and idly flicked on the TV. He wasn’t an optimist at heart but it seemed like things were finally looking up for him. 

*

“So she was like _POW_! And then he was like _OW_.”

Rami laughed. Even Ben was smiling as he said “shut up Joe, that’s not what happened in the canteen that day.”

“If the story you told me is correct then that’s exactly what happened.” He turned his head to look at Rami. “Basically, Amber punched that Tom guy in the face and it was awesome.”

“I don’t remember it being _your_ job to tell Rami about everything that happens in _my_ life Joe,” Ben said teasingly.

“Oh but of course it’s my job,” Joe said with a laugh. “My natural flair for dramatics can turn even your pitifully boring self into a dashing hero.” 

Ben didn’t reply, instead he just stuck his tongue out. Joe pulled a face at him in response but they both dissolved into laughter as soon as they caught each other’s eyes. 

Rami cleared his throat awkwardly. They both jumped and turned to look at him. 

“Sorry,” he said. “But as happy as I am that Amber punched the guy who made Ben’s life hell, we’ve gone a little off topic.”

“We have haven’t we?” Ben said.

“Sorry about that,” said Joe.

The original purpose of the phone call had been to brainstorm ideas for YouTube videos. Since Joe had included Ben in that first video two months ago, he'd become part of the team. He now helped Rami and Joe plan out videos (he and Rami had clicked instantly) and had appeared in a few more himself.

It was kind of adorable how enthusiastic he was, Joe thought to himself. The first time Joe had invited him to help edit a video over FaceTime Ben had acted like a child on Christmas morning, unable to stop smiling and asking thousands of questions. It had taken all of Joe’s willpower not to stare at him too hard; he couldn’t have Ben finding out how he felt.

“So, before we got distracted by Ben’s personal life,” Rami said with a wry smile. “We were talking about recording a cover of a Queen song. I could sing and play the piano if we need it, and we have you two as the rhythm section. Ben, you’d have to record your part separately and email it to one of us; we can find an app somewhere that will let us merge the recordings.”

“Sounds good.”

“The only thing we don’t have is a guitarist. Joe, could you try playing both Brian and John’s parts?”

“I’m not sure man. I’m alright on acoustic guitar but I don’t really play electric guitar much; I’m definitely nowhere near Brian May’s level.”

“I’ve got a friend who plays electric guitar,” Ben said suddenly. “I could record Gwilym playing Brian’s part at the same time I do my drums and send you them both.”

Joe looked at Rami; his friend shrugged: “I’m in if you are.”

“Okay, cool,” Joe said. “Ask Gwil what songs he’d prefer to play and we can work something out.”

Rami had to go home soon after that. Since he had homework to finish he couldn’t re-join the call when he got back to his house.

“And then there were two,” Joe said to Ben. 

Ben laughed. Joe thought he looked gorgeous when his face lit up like that. He felt a surge of anger at himself for feeling that way; Ben was his friend, he couldn’t fuck that up with a stupid little crush. 

“I don’t mind it being just the two of us,” Ben said. Then he blushed. This is not fair, Joe thought bitterly. How was he supposed to get over Ben when he looked so fucking adorable every time he got flustered? Joe had the urge to say something flirty and make Ben blush like that again. He groaned inwardly, someone up there was determined not to make this easy for him.

“Me neither,” Joe said, smiling at Ben reassuringly. He hoped he hadn’t been staring at Ben too much while going through his internal crisis.

“Anyway Joe I was wondering if- uh-" Ben looked nervous which instinctively made Joe worried; was something bothering him?

“What’s wrong Ben?” Joe asked gently. “You don’t have to be scared to talk to me, you know that right?”

“Yeah of course I do I just-" Ben cracked his knuckles and shifted slightly in his desk chair. Eventually he took a deep breath and asked.

“Do you want to come and stay with me over the summer? I asked my parents and they’re fine with you coming over for a couple of weeks. Unless you don’t want to, which is totally fine too. Don’t feel like you have to say yes just cos-"

“Ben,” Joe said firmly. Ben fell silent, smiling at Joe apologetically. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I babble when I’m nervous too. Not that you need to be nervous because I would love to spend the summer with you.”

Ben’s face lit up and Joe had to bite his lip to keep from smiling too. “Really?” he asked.

“Really,” Joe said softly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a moodboard for this fic, go check it out on my Instagram (itsametaphorbrian7)  
> and feel free to DM me, I love talking to you guys <3


	14. In which the countdown begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are running a little high as the clock ticks closer to Joe's visit to London

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter has a lot of time skips. It starts just after the end of chapter 13 and finishes about 2 months later.
> 
> Also this is literally 1400 + words of texting I'm sorry

**Joe**

_So I asked my mum and she’s totally cool with it!_

_I can’t believe I’m actually gonna see you this summer_

**Ben**

_Woah this is really happening isn’t it_

**Joe**

_I mean I hope so_

_If I wake up tomorrow and find out this was all a dream I’ll be pretty bummed out_

**Ben**

_Don’t say that you’ll jinx it_

**Joe**

_Oh shit I hate jinxes_

_It’s one of the reasons I rejected my application to Hogwarts_

**Ben**

_One of the reasons?_

_You have more than one reason for not wanting to be a wizard_

**Joe**

_Uh yeah_

_You can’t use technology and shit at Hogwarts_

**Ben**

_Oh yeah I forgot about that_

_That’s actually a really good point_

**Joe**

_Imagine it Ben_

_No more YouTube videos_

_No more obsessing over Queen_

_~~No more talking to you~~ _

**Ben**

_That sounds like my own personal hell_

**Joe**

_The sad thing is it’s mine too_

*

_Rami created the group “Bo Rhap boisss"_

_Rami added Gwilliam, Joseph and BENjamin to the group_

**Gwilliam**

_Wait why did you call it that_

_We did a cover of We Are The Champions_

_Not Bohemian Rhapsody_

 

**Rami**

_Cos Bo Rhap boisss sounds coo_ l

 

 **Gwilliam**

_Debatable_

 

 **Rami**

_Shut up_

_It sounds cooler than We Are The Champions boisss anyway_

 

 **Gwilliam**

_Fair enough_

 

**Rami**

_See mr genius man I can be smart too sometimes_

**BENjamin**  

_Wait mr genius man??_

**Joseph**

_Yeah Gwil just gives off smart guy vibes_

**BENjamin**

_Really?_

_You clearly haven’t met the bloke_

**Gwilliam**

_I take offense to that_

 

**Joseph**

_Alright don’t start arguing like an old married couple again_

 

 **Rami**

_Yeah this groupchat is for celebrating not fighting_

**BENjamin**

_Celebrating?_

**Rami**

_Yeah our Queen cover hit 5K likes on YouTube!!_

**BENjamin**

_Wtf_

**Gwilliam**

_Omg really??_

 

**Joseph**

_That’s awesome!!_

_Wait how did you know before me_

_It’s on my channel_

 

 **Rami**   
_..._  
 _I may have watched it several times a day_

**BENjamin**

_Hahaha_

**Gwilliam**

_Honestly Rami_

 

**Joseph**

_Why are we not surprised_

**BENjamin**

_Wow okay we get it you finish each other’s sentences_

_Who’s the married couple now Joe?_

**Joseph**

_Oh well aren’t you hilarious_

**BENjamin**

_I thought so_

_You just can’t appreciate my genius comedy_

**Joseph**

_Hard to appreciate it when you haven’t shown me any_

**Ben**

_Wow I’m so offended_

_You’re lying to yourself you know you love me really_

**Joseph**   
_..._

_That’s not the point_

_Private chat:_

**Gwil**

_Could they be any more obnoxiously in love_

**Rami**

_It’s making me want to slam my face against a wall_

**Gwil**

_I mean how stupid do you have to be to have conversations like that on a regular basis_

_And not realise the other person is madly in love with you??_

**Rami**

_Idk it’s some fanfic level obliviousness right there_

_10 bucks says they still haven’t figured it out by the end of Joe’s visit_

**Gwil**

_You’re on_

**Rami**

_Really?_

_You’re betting on them pulling their heads out their asses?_

**Gwil**

_Ben’s a lot braver than people give him credit for_

_I think he’ll give it a shot_

**Rami**

_Really? You think he’d risk a friendship like he has with Joe_

_Over feelings that for all he knows are unrequited?_

**Gwil**

_I guess that remains to be seen_

*

 **Amy**

_I’m slightly offended you didn’t tell me about him earlier_

**Ben**

_It’s nothing personal_

_It just never came up in conversation_

**Amy**

_Ben you’ve fallen in love for the first time_

**Ben**

_Ha now I’ve got the song stuck in my head_

**Amy**

_???_

**Ben**

_Oh it’s a lyric from I want to break free by Queen_

_I’ve fallen in love for the first time_

**Amy**

_Ok_

_But my point is this is an important moment in your life Ben_

_You need to tell us this shit_

_You don’t just ‘wait for it to come up' or whatever_

**Ben**

_Alright I’m sorry_

_Just please help me decide what we should do when he gets here_

**Amy**

_Don’t worry I’ll help_

**Ben**

_Thank you so much_

_You’re the best_

**Amy**

_Yeah I know_

_What can I say I’m a sucker for young love_

_Why couldn’t you just ask Gwil for help though?_

_I mean he knows the guy and I don’t_

**Ben**

_Because Gwil would bully me mercilessly and say I was trying too hard_

_Whereas you’ll just think it’s cute that I’m worrying so much_

**Amy**

_Point taken_

_Also I’m an expert at date ideas_

**Ben**

_Erm I’m not taking him on a date_

_I’m just showing a friend around the city_

**Amy**

_A friend you have a humongous crush on_

_Who also really likes you_

**Ben**

_What are you talking about Joe doesn’t like me_

**Amy**

_He's flying all the way from New York just to see you_

**Ben**

_As a friend_

**Amy**

_Sure honey_  

 **Ben**

_Shut up_

**Amy**

_Alright fine we’ll get back to planning your not date with Joe_

*

 **Joe**

_So should I bring a coat or just a jacket?_   
_Or will I need shades and sunblock and stuff_

**Lucy**

_Idk maybe both just to be safe?_

_I don’t remember much about England cos I was only like 6 when we moved_

_But I remember the weather was pretty unpredictable_

**Joe**

_Okay I’ve packed them both_

_And I put in the black jeans and a couple of button downs like you said_

**Lucy**

_You might end up going out for dinner one night_

_Or Ben might wanna take you on a date ;)_

**Joe**

_Shut up_

_But thanks for helping me with this Luce_

_I owe you_

**Lucy**

_Anytime_

_Have you had any ideas for his present?_

**Joe**

_One_

_I’m waiting to see if I can pull it off_

**Lucy**

_Wdym_

**Joe**

_I just want to get him something special_

_To say thank you for everything you know?_

**Lucy**

_Ooh look who’s being a good old fashioned lover boy_

_Yo I’m actually so proud of that reference_

_You don’t even understand_

**Joe**

_I'm proud of you too_

_Joe sent a picture_

_What do you think?_

**Lucy**

_Oh my god_

_It’s amazing_

_He’ll love it_

**Joe**

_You think?_

**Lucy**

_Joe that’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen_

_Of course he’ll love it_

_Now onto packing your underwear_

**Joe**

_LUCY_

_Oh my god you’re so embarrassing_

**Lucy**

_Sorry_

**Joe**

_Are you though?_

**Lucy**

_Lol nope_

*

**Rami**

_You still at the gate?_

**Joe**

_Yeah the flight just started boarding_

**Rami**

_You nervous?_

**Joe**

_Terrified_

_But also pretty excited_

**Rami**

_It’s gonna be great you know that_

**Joe**

_I do_

_Thanks for coming to the airport with me_

**Rami**

_Dude it was nothing_

**Joe**

_You stayed awake all night to see me off at 2am_

**Rami**

_Ok so it wasn’t nothing_

_But I wasn’t gonna let my best friend go off to London without saying goodbye_

_I’m gonna miss you man_

**Joe**

_You’ll see me again in 2 weeks Rami_

_But I’ll miss you too_

*

**Gwil**

_Do you know what time his plane lands_

**Ben**

_5_

**Gwil**

_Are you doing ok?_

**Ben**

_No not really_

_I’ve been for a run and to the gym and I’m still full of nervous energy_

**Gwil**

_Would you like me to come to the airport with you?_

_Moral support and all that_

_Calm you down a bit_

**Ben**

_Nah I’ll be okay_

**Gwil**

_You sure?_

**Ben**

_Yeah_

_In the nicest way possible I always pictured the first time we met as being_

_You know_

_Just me and him_

_Oh god that sounds horrible I’m sorry_

**Gwil**

_No it’s okay I understand_

_Some things you have to do on your own_

_Besides you don’t need me cramping your style_

**Ben**

_Oh shut up_

**Gwil**

_You say that_

_But I know you’re smiling fondly at your phone screen_

**Ben**

_Don’t expose me_

*

**Joe**

_My plane's just landed_

**Ben**

_Okay we’re on our way_

_Message me when you’re through passport control and you have your suitcase_

*

 **Joe**

_Okay I’m through passport control and I have my bag where are you?_

**Ben**

_In the entrance hall foyer thing_

_Where are you_

**Joe**

_Just came out the arrivals bit_

_It’s too crowded in here I can’t see you_

Ben   
Alright just stay where you are I’ll come find you

**Joe**

_I’m wearing a hoodie and a baseball cap if that helps_

**Ben**

_There’s about 10 people just in front of me who fit that description_

_Oh fuck I think I can see you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this fic Lucy was born in England with English parents but the family moved to America when she was about 6, hope I didn't confuse anyone with that :)
> 
> I'm really sorry if there are any mistakes, I wanted to get this uploaded today since tomorrow's my birthday and I won't have time to write


	15. In which Ben makes a decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are both still getting used to the whole physical contact thing they've got going on now. Okay that sounds kind of suggestive but I promise I meant it innocently ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates might be a little slower in the near future since I start college and my A Levels in just over a week. I really don't want to abandon this fic though and will do my best to find time to write.
> 
> If I go a week without updating literally just DM me on Instagram (itsametaphorbrian7) and spam "write the next chapter" 50 times. I work best under pressure :)

**Ben**

_Oh fuck I think I can see you_

Ben watched as Joe's head snapped up from his phone. Their eyes locked through the sea of people and then he was ducking through the crowd, weaving between people in business suits and skirting around groups of tourists, anticipation bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

He slowed to a shaky stop in front of Joe. His heart was pounding in his throat. For a moment they simply stood still and looked at each other, drinking each other in. Waiting for it to sink in that this was really happening.

“You’re shorter than I expected,” he blurted out.

He immediately cringed, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. Why the hell had he said that? Now Joe was going to be offended and would want to get on the first flight home and-"

Joe's laugh jolted him from his spiralling thoughts and he felt himself being pulled into a bone crushing hug before he could register what was happening. 

Ben wasn’t sure how long it lasted. His brain may have short-circuited slightly at the tickling sensation of Joe’s hair brushing his cheek, the feel of Joe’s hoodie as he bunched the soft material in his hands, at the faint scent of cologne.

But when he reluctantly pulled back a little, he caught a few people staring at them out of the corner of his eye; he willed himself to ignore them.

Instead he focused on Joe, who was grinning at him. And damn, the shitty video quality of their late night FaceTime sessions had not done his smile justice. Ben felt the familiar tug on his heart strings as Joe spoke.

“You’re such a dork,” he said. His voice sounded different too, softer. Ben suddenly remembered that his parents were waiting for them outside.

“Come on, let’s go,” he said, holding out his hand to take Joe’s bag. Joe looked down at it then back up at Ben, eyes wide. 

“I, er-"

Ben was confused by his reaction. “Okay, if you’d rather carry your own suitcase then that’s fine.”

“My suitcase?” said Joe. Then he blushed. “Oh that’s what you meant with the- of course you did. Right. Sorry.” He dropped his gaze to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Okay?” said Ben. He was still very confused.

“Yeah! It’s fine, it’s fine. Let’s go find your parents, yeah?” Joe gestured for Ben to lead the way.

It wasn’t until they were almost at the exit that realisation dawned on him.

_Wait did he think I was trying to hold his- oh my god._

This was going to be an interesting two weeks. 

*

Houses, shops and offices blended into an endless smear of grey outside Joe’s rain-streaked window. So far, the English landscape wasn’t exactly enthralling him with it’s beauty but staring out of the window kept his brain from dwelling too much on the feeling of Ben’s leg pressed against his on the narrow back seat.

Ben suddenly nudged him and Joe dragged his gaze away from the window to see Ben’s mother looking at him expectantly. 

“Sorry Mrs. Hardy,” he said nervously “I didn’t quite hear you.”

“Oh call me Laura,” she said with a smile. “And I asked you how your flight was.”

“Well I was asleep for a lot of it to be honest. Had to stay up late last night to make it to the airport and check in and everything. They had some good movies though so I wasn’t too bored when I woke up.

”I bet you watched Jurassic Park twice.” Ben said. He was smirking when Joe turned to look at him. “You did, didn’t you?”

“Hey it’s an incredible movie!” He raised his hands in mock defence. “I’m going to make you watch it at least once while I’m here.” 

After about another half hour they reached Ben’s house. Joe gazed around, taking in the well-kept lawn and brightly coloured flower beds.

“Joe?” someone called. He hurried inside.

“Ben will show you to your room, dinner should be ready in about fifteen minutes,” said Ben’s dad. Ben’s parents disappeared down the hall, leaving Joe and Ben alone. Unsure what to do, Joe cast his eyes around.

“Cute baby pictures,” he said, pointing to a framed photo of a blond toddler grinning at the camera with ice cream smeared around his mouth. In fact cute was an understatement; baby Ben looked like one of those cherubs in the books he used to read at Sunday school.

“Uh- thanks,” Ben said, blushing. He was still pretty cute now, Joe’s mind supplied unhelpfully. 

“So is there somewhere I could dump my stuff and freshen up a bit before dinner?” he asked Ben.

“What? Oh yeah, sorry,” Ben said. “I’ll show you where you’re sleeping now, come on.” 

He dumped his suitcase on the camp bed that had been set up in Ben’s room, rummaging through it for a towel, clean clothes and his wash bag. 

“Bathroom's just down the hall, second door on the left.” Ben told him, not looking up from where he lay sprawled on his bed with a book.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, Joe felt a lot more ready to face dinner. Sure, Ben’s parents seemed lovely but how often did kids ask their parents to allow some American guy they’d never met before to stay in their house? He was expecting the meal to be a little awkward.

But after reassuring Ben’s parents that they took all the necessary anti-paedophile precautions before exchanging any personal details, Joe was mostly left to enjoy his homemade lasagna.

Maybe Ben’s parents were going easy on him for the first night since he was tired and jet-lagged. Whatever the reason, he was relieved that they spared him the questions on what he planned to do with his life and instead asked him about his YouTube channel.

“Oh it’s mostly just Queen covers and stupid games and challenges really,” he told them. “How did you know I have a YouTube channel by the way?”

“Ben told us.” Harry, Ben’s father, winked at Joe. “He’s told us quite a lot about you actually.”

“ _Dad_!” Ben was blushing. 

“Oh you’ve been talking about me have you?” Joe teased him.

“Don’t worry Joe, it was all very good things,” Ben’s mom joined in.

“I’m moving out.” Ben’s voice was muffled as he’d buried his head in his hands.

“Oh come on love, we’re only teasing,” Ben’s mom said.

Ben raised his head from his arms. 

“Alright then, we’ll clear away to make up for embarrassing you,” Ben’s dad said with a smile. “You two can go back upstairs and do whatever it is teenagers do in their rooms all day.”

“I’ll probably be going to sleep to be honest,” Joe said, trying to stifle a yawn.

“Alright then. Night Joe, love.”

“Goodnight Joe.”

*

“I didn’t really pay attention to your room before,” Joe mused.

“Mmh, yeah.” Ben was lying on his bed, reading a book again.

“It’s cool,” Joe said sleepily, looking at the posters adorning the walls. They mostly featured Queen and, strangely, Harry Potter.

“I didn’t know you liked Harry Potter,” he told Ben.

“Guess it never came up,” Ben said, showing him the copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban he was currently reading.

“That’s the best book, I think.”

“Really? I liked Order of the Pheonix best.”

“Yeah that’s good too.”

“Prisoner of Azkaban is the best film though,” Ben said, finally putting his book down.

“Oh yeah, easily.” Joe was having a hard time believing they hadn’t talked about this before. “The cinema-" he yawned suddenly “-cinematography is amazing. Alfonso Cuarón did an incredible job as director.”

“Definitely,” Ben said, smiling at him. “But you should probably get some sleep.”

“Nah ‘m fine,” he said, yawning again. 

“Joe-" 

“What’s your Hogwarts house?”

Ben sighed, smiling at him again. “Slytherin.”

“Ooh, edgy emo kid alert,” Joe said teasingly.

“That’s a huge generalisation. What about you then?”

“Gryffindor.”

Ben gave a cough that sounded oddly like ‘fake fan who’s only watched the films.’

“Hey! I’ve done the quiz thing like 3 times and got Gryffindor. Some people are just brave, get over it.”

“Well people don’t just pick Slytherin to try and be edgy,” Ben said. “I’ve done the quiz four times and got Slytherin on all of them. 

“Okay then, we'll agree that we were both wrong.”

“Alright. Now will you please get some sleep? I’ll even turn the light off for you.”

“What about your book?”

Ben shrugged. “I’ll listen to music instead. Besides, I’ve read it enough times before.”

Joe wanted to stay up and talk to Ben some more but he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He grudgingly lay back and relaxed into the limited comfort of the camp bed. He was asleep within seconds.

*

“Pause it for me will you?” Gwilym called over his shoulder as he left the room. “I don’t wanna miss the bit where Hermione punches Malfoy in the face.”

Joe laughed. He had a nice laugh, Ben thought. It was one of Ben’s favourite things about him. His eyes sparkled and crinkled at the corners and that smile that made Ben’s breath catch in his throat was on full display.

“What are you staring at?” Joe murmured.

“Hmm? Oh, nothing.” He tore his eyes away from Joe and instead stared intently at the TV, hoping to appear enraptured by the film. Then he remembered they’d paused it. He ducked his head, cheeks growing hot, as Joe laughed again.

“Don’t worry, I find paused movies incredibly entertaining too.”

“Oh shut up.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Joe letting out the occasional yawn. Since he was understandably jet-lagged, Ben and Gwil had decided to spend the weekend at Ben’s house watching films and playing video games. Hopefully it would allow Joe to adjust to the time difference. 

He felt Joe slump against him. When he turned his head, he saw Joe’s eyes were closed, mouth slightly open.

“Has he fallen asleep?” Gwilym whispered. Ben hadn’t heard him come back in.

“Let’s see,” he said. “Joe, my parents have bought us tickets to a Queen concert next week.” Joe didn’t react. 

“Yeah he’s asleep.” Ben took a handful of popcorn from the bowl Gwilym offered him. “Thanks,” he said, before catching sight of Gwil smirking at him. “What?”

“Aren’t you gonna do something about that?” Gwil gestured to Joe’s head, which was resting on Ben’s shoulder.

Ben blinked, only just realising that the position he and Joe were in could definitely be classed as intimate. “I don’t want to wake him up,” he said. “I don’t think he slept too well last night and he’s still jet-lagged; he needs all the rest he can get.”

“If you say so,” Gwilym said teasingly. Then his expression turned serious. “He seems to really like you, you know.”

Ben groaned. “Gwil, we are not doing this again-"

“No, Ben hear me out, please. You keep saying there’s no chance he'd ever have feelings for you and that you should just keep your crush to yourself but he’s here isn’t he? He came all this way to see you and he came out to the entire internet for you; he really cares about you.”

“As a-"

“Okay, yeah, maybe just as a friend. But friends don’t judge each other. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll understand that you can’t help who you like he's-" something shifted in Gwil's eyes and when he spoke again it was gentler “-he wouldn’t hate you for it Ben. He isn’t-"

“Don’t.”

“Sorry. But you have to believe me when I say he wouldn’t let it make things awkward. If you don’t do something about this while he’s here, if he goes back to America and messages you about his new boyfriend or his new girlfriend, how are you gonna feel?”

“Gwil, I-"

“I know you’re scared Ben. But you were taking a risk when you came out to the school, to your parents, even to me. And it paid off didn’t it?” 

Ben nodded, he wasn’t sure he liked where this was going.

“So, statistically speaking, it’s likely to turn out ok if you take a risk here.” Ben grinned despite himself but Gwil carried on. “Look, every day you don’t tell him is a waste of a day that you could have spent with him. And in case you didn’t notice, you only have two weeks. If I were you, I’d wanna make ‘em count.”

Ben sighed heavily. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“It happens so often, you should be used to it by now.”

“Piss off,” Ben said lightly, reaching for the remote and pressing play. “I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

Gwil raised his eyebrows. 

“I’m not just procrastinating!” Ben said defensively. “I genuinely will tell him tomorrow.” Gwilym looked doubtful but mercifully didn’t push the subject any further.

They watched the rest of the film in relative silence, volume turned down so as not to wake Joe. Ben was already mildly freaking out about the prospect of confessing his feelings but he forced the nerves down, he had nothing to worry about; this was Joe. He would be okay.

He shifted a little closer to Joe on the sofa, relaxing into the warmth of the boy sleeping peacefully beside him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Gwilym was mostly giving the pep talk because he cares about them both and wants them to be happy but a part of him also wants to give Ben a push in the right direction so he can win the bet with Rami :)


	16. In which they both take a leap of faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strap yourselves in guys, that's all I have to say ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry if there are mistakes in this, I've spent ages on this chapter, it was really hard to write for me, so I was honestly a bit too tired to go back and edit. Plus I wanted to give you guys a chapter as soon as possible :)

“Yeah we’ve mostly just watched movies this weekend but it’s been fun. His parents seem nice, mostly leave us to do our own thing really.”

“That’s good,” Rami said. It may have only been two days since he’d seen his best friend but Joe had already called him twice.

“It just feels so weird to think that you’re like 3000 miles away man.” It was as if Rami could read his mind. “I’ve seen you like every day since kindergarten and now you’re gone for two weeks.”

“You’ll be okay,” Joe said. “You’ve got Lucy.” 

“Yeah, that’s true. I’ll be fine.” Rami was smiling now.

Joe expected to feel jealous when he heard Rami say that and was surprised to find that he wasn’t. In fact, now that he thought about it, he hadn’t felt jealous of Lucy and Rami’s relationship in a while. Not since-"

“Joe?” He blinked.

“Sorry, I got lost for a second there.”

“That’s alright,” Rami said with a laugh. “I just- I wanted to make sure you know you’ll always be my best friend yeah? Like I now I have Lucy now and you- anyway my point is I’ll always be here for you. I know I haven’t always shown that recently, going on dates with Lucy and leaving you on your own but I-"

“Rami, relax. I’ll admit I felt like a bit of a third wheel at first but it’s okay, I’ve gotten used to it now. And that’s not a bad thing,” he added hastily after seeing the apologetic look on Rami’s face. “We’re allowed to have other people in our lives Rami."

“But I’ll always be your favourite, right?” Rami grinned and Joe grinned back.

“Of course you will.”

“Me and Luce will talk to you tomorrow if that’s okay? I think she wants to meet Ben.”

Joe groaned but agreed. “Tell her I said hi,” he said as he hung up the call.

“Joe?” Ben called up the stairs. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah just gimme one second,” Joe yelled as he grabbed his phone and wallet. He stopped in front of the mirror and ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to make it look presentable. Not that he had any reason to look presentable, it was only Ben after all.

“That was a bit longer than a second,” Ben said with a smirk as Joe joined him at the foot of the stairs.

“Well maybe I’d be a little more enthusiastic if you actually told me where we're going.”

“Nah, that would ruin the surprise.” Ben was grinning at him, the sight of it made Joe’s heart flutter but he fought to keep his expression neutral.

“Alright fine,” he said, trying not to smile and failing miserably. “Why don’t you show me this fantastic surprise of yours. It had better be good.”

“Oh it will be,” Ben said.

*

“Wait,” Joe said as they turned the corner. “Is this-"

“Yep,” Ben said. “I know you’re a sports nut so-" he gestured around hesitantly “-I thought you might like to see the Olympic park.”

Joe wasn’t sure what to say. He felt like squealing at the thought of Ben remembering that he liked sports (he’d mentioned it once maybe, dropped it into conversation months ago) and planning this to surprise him. 

“Aw aren’t you sweet,” he said with a laugh. He hoped that by laughing he could hide the truth behind his words.

“Come on then, let’s have a look around,” Ben said.

He remembered the stadium, the aquatic centre and the velodrome; he had screamed in triumph at his TV screen back home every time a US athlete won a victory there. But now that they were deserted except for a few tourists, exploring them felt like reliving a half-forgotten childhood dream.

He felt a gentle nudge to his shoulder and turned his head to find Ben already staring at him. Joe realised that their faces were only a few inches apart.

“Hi,” he said a little breathlessly.

“Hi.” Ben smiled at him. “Sorry did I interrupt, you just seemed a bit lost in thought.”

“Did I?” Joe had already forgotten what he’d been thinking about, if he was perfectly honest with himself.

“Yeah. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go on that,” Ben said, pointing to what looked like a twisting red tower behind a clump of trees.

“What do you mean go on it?”

“It’s a sculpture,” Ben said. “They built it for the Olympic games in 2012 but it’s open to the public now. It has great views of London if you climb up.”

“Okay cool, we can do that if you want to.”

“Oh I forgot to mention-" Ben was smirking at him now “-it also has the world’s largest tunnel slide.”

“Ok now we definitely have to go on it. Why didn’t you start with that? I would have said yes straight away.”

Ben just laughed at him.

After buying the cheaper kids tickets (by pretending they were 15), going on the slide (on which Joe screamed for fun and not because he was scared) and getting in the lift for the second time to admire the view (Joe wanted to walk up the ramps around the edge but Ben refused to, the lazy bastard), the two of them wound up sitting on a bench by the canal with overpriced ice cream and diet coke they’d bought from street vendors.

“I like it here,” Joe said. A steel drum band was playing a melodic piece somewhere behind them; the music was relaxing as he watched the sunlight sparkling on the water below them, protected from it’s glare by a blanket of trees above their heads.

“Yeah it’s nice round here,” Ben said. “Peaceful.”

Just then, a child started screeching somewhere off to their right. They looked at each other and laughed.

“Come on we should head back, it’s gonna take a while on the train.”

“Okay but can we get McDonald’s on the way back to the train station?”

“You’re an actual five-year-old" Ben said. But he was smiling.

The backs of their hands bumped together as they headed down the tree-lined path. Joe felt a tingling sensation in his blood every time their knuckles brushed and before his brain could process what he was doing and yell ‘STOP' he had reached out and taken Ben’s hand.

Ben stopped walking abruptly, staring down at their hands. Joe made to pull away, staring at the ground so Ben wouldn’t catch sight of the blush he could feel heating up his face.

“I’m so sorry Ben, I-I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s okay-” Ben grabbed onto his hand tighter as Joe tried to pull it out of his grasp. “I don’t mind.” Joe looked up at him hesitantly and worry flashed across Ben’s face. “Unless you mind. Sorry I didn’t mean to-"

“No, no it’s okay I-" he took a deep breath “-I don’t mind either.”

They looked at each other for a moment, smiling widely. Then Ben laced his fingers through Joe’s. His hand was warm, Joe thought as he brushed his thumb over Ben’s knuckles. Ben laughed breathlessly and squeezed his hand a little tighter.  
Neither of them let go as they carried on walking through the park.

*

He'd known, of course, that they would have to talk about what had happened. The thought had been hovering on the edges of his consciousness like an angry wasp but he’d done his best to push it out of his mind. In Ben’s (admittedly limited) experience, conversations like these inevitably went badly no matter how much he mentally prepared himself beforehand. This time, he decided, he would save himself the stress.

Joe had held onto his hand the whole way home; he’d tried to enjoy the feeling while it lasted. When he unlocked the door he had been surprised to find his parents already home from work. They told him that they were having a Very Important Meeting with some colleagues in the study so if Ben and Joe could clear out of the house until dinner that would be great.

The two of them decided to go to the park for a game of football (or soccer as Joe wrongly insisted on calling it) but Joe got distracted as they went round the back of the house to grab a ball from the shed.

“Is that a treehouse?”

“Oh yeah, dad built it for me when I was a kid.” He would deny, on pain of death, that he had sat up there quite often in recent years, to get away from everything for an hour or two.

“Awesome, can we go inside?” Ben laughed, he didn’t know why he expected anything else of Joe.

“I think I still have some blankets and cushions in here somewhere,” Ben said as he peered into the cardboard boxes stacked along the back wall. “Aha!” he said after a while, pulling two blankets out of the box he was holding. Joe moved to grab one but Ben held it up above his head, out of Joe’s reach.

“No, the one with dogs on is mine,” he said firmly. “You get the dinosaur one,” he said, holding the blanket out to Joe.

“And you say _I’m_ childish,” Joe said. But he took the blanket.

They settled themselves against a wall, sitting on cushions. It was at that moment Ben realised that by agreeing to sit in the treehouse (which didn’t offer much in terms of entertainment) he had provided an ideal opportunity for Joe to start a Conversation with him. The sort that began with a capital C.

“So, about what happened earlier,” Joe said as if to prove his point. “We-uh-we probably should talk about it.”

“Alright.” Ben braved himself for Joe’s next words, the inevitable _it was just a bit of fun_ and _you got the wrong idea_ and _I’m not- you know_ -“ except maybe not the last one, this time. Though, if anything, he thought that would just make him feel even worse.

“Do you regret it?” Joe asked him instead.  
Ben thought about that for a moment. If Joe turned out to be just like, well, there was a good chance he would someday regret saying no to that question. He looked over at Joe to find that Joe was already looking at him. He was smiling gently at Ben. There was no hidden longing behind his eyes, no teasing twist to his lips. 

It dawned on Ben that Joe was totally okay with what had happened, he was just checking to make sure that Ben was too. 

“No,” he said determinedly. “No, I don’t regret it.”

“I don’t either,” Joe said unnecessarily. “So, uh, if neither of us regret it- just checking we’re, you know, on the same page here- if I maybe wanted to do it again or like do something _else_ , maybe, then I take it you wouldn’t be entirely opposed to that?”

He wasn’t looking at Ben anymore. He was staring intently down at his scuffed converse, rubbing the back of his neck like he did when he got nervous. The poor guy must have been feeling pretty anxious, having just put himself out there like that, so Ben decided to surprise him.

He reached out with trembling fingers and gently tilted Joe’s chin up. Joe gazed up at him with wide eyes and Ben heard him let out a shaky exhale as he reached out to cup his cheek. Ben titled his head slightly to the side. “Is this okay?” he asked.

Joe swallowed. “Yes,” he whispered. 

He leaned forward hesitantly, tuning out the part of his brain that was screaming about this being a bad idea. He watched Joe’s eyelids flutter closed and hastily closed his own eyes, before finally closing the distance between their lips.

Joe’s lips were dry but soft and he tasted like strawberry ice cream, reminding Ben of the cones he used to share with his nan when she took him to the beach as a little boy.

He was shaken out of his thoughts when Joe gently swiped his tongue along Ben’s bottom lip. He exhaled shakily against Joe’s lips. Joe let out a muffled sound that could have been a laugh and did it again; this time Ben gasped. 

Joe had threaded his fingers through the short hair at the back of Ben’s neck. When Ben tentatively took Joe’s bottom lip between his teeth, Joe’s grip on his hair tightened and Ben laughed breathlessly.

When he eventually pulled back, his face felt warm and Joe’s cheeks were flushed. They stayed sitting on the floor of the tree house, faces inches apart so that Ben could feel Joe’s warm breath. 

“I never knew you had freckles,” Ben said as he rubbed his thumb along Joe’s cheekbone.

“Huh?” Joe seemed a little distracted. “Oh yeah, I do. Guess your phone camera never picked up on them when we FaceTimed.”

“Shame, Ben said. “They’re cute. You’re cute,” he added, pressing a playful kiss to the tip of Joe’s nose.

Joe giggled, actually _giggled_ , and Ben felt his breath catch in his throat. He didn’t think there would ever come a time where he wasn’t captivated by the way Joe’s eyes sparkled when he laughed.

Then Joe grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him back in for another kiss. Ben kind of stopped thinking after that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. Only took 16 chapters and over 30 000 words :)


	17. In which Joe is great at catching popcorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Joe have some pretty serious conversations; they've got a lot of stuff to figure out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally managed to find the time and the energy to get this written, I'm so sorry for making you all wait so long!
> 
> This chapter hasn't been edited (I wanted to get it published before I lost motivation again) so please forgive me if there are some mistakes

“Alright, your turn,” Ben said. He fished a piece of popcorn out of the bowl in between them.

“Do I get a kiss if I catch it?” Joe asked with a grin.

Ben laughed. “Just shut up and catch the popcorn in your mouth.”

“I’ll shut up if you kiss me,” Joe said. He was smirking now.

Ben twirled the piece of popcorn between his thumb and finger, making a show of considering his offer. “Tempting,” he said. “You are incredibly annoying.”

“Hey!” 

“Tell you what,” Ben said. “If you catch three pieces in a row you can have a kiss. Deal?”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Joe said. “Go on then, throw the popcorn and prepare to be amazed.”

They were sprawled together on the sofa in Ben’s living room. There was a film playing on TV but it was merely white noise; they had decided that throwing popcorn kernels into each other’s mouths was much more fun.

Ben threw the popcorn and Joe caught it deftly in his mouth.

“Told you I was amazing at this,” he said as he chewed it.

“Don’t get full of yourself just yet,” Ben said as he dug out two more pieces, placing the bowl on the floor. “You’ve got to catch these first.”

He purposefully aimed a little high as he threw the second piece but Joe leaned backwards and caught it effortlessly. He looked at Ben smugly as he sat back up.

“Quit smirking at me you bastard,” Ben said with a laugh. He threw the last piece of popcorn.

He didn’t quite aim far enough and as Joe surged towards him to catch the popcorn he lost his balance and fell forwards into Ben, sending him toppling backwards into the sofa cushions. 

Ben looked up to see Joe staring down at him, blushing. He felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. Strangely, the sensation didn’t lessen when Joe removed the weight from his chest by pushing himself up onto his hands to hover over him.

“Sorry,” Joe said. Ben heard him give a shaky exhale. 

“It’s okay,” Ben somehow managed to say.

They stared at each other for a moment. Then something seemed to flash across Joe’s face and he hurriedly sat back on his heels, allowing Ben to sit up too. The arm of the sofa was digging into his back but he barely registered it. Instead, his brain was preoccupied with the feel of Joe’s weight in his lap.

Ben cast his mind around for something to say.

“So you- uh- you caught all three pieces of the popcorn.” He was trying to sound casual but he knew he came across as anything but.

“Huh? Oh yeah the- uh- yeah I did.”

“So I think that means I owe you a kiss?”

Joe smiled. Ben was sure he fell a little more in love with him each time he saw that smile. He closed his eyes as Joe leaned in but he could still feel that smile against his lips. 

Ben wrapped his arms around Joe’s waist, pulling him closer. Joe wound his arms round Ben’s neck, threading his fingers through Ben’s hair and tugging gently. Ben giggled, the sound lost between their lips. They had only been doing this for just over a week but Joe already seemed to know exactly what Ben wanted, more so than even Ben himself. He decided that there was nothing he loved more in the world than kissing his...

It suddenly occurred to him that he had no idea what to call Joe. Were they boyfriends now? Ever since they'd kissed in the treehouse they had spent practically every waking minute with each other, usually kissing but if not just lying together and cuddling. But the other day, when Joe had introduced Ben to his friend Lucy he had simply said ‘this is Ben.’ Not ‘my boyfriend Ben,’ just Ben.

He reluctantly pulled away from the kiss. Joe looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.  
“I’m alright, don’t worry,” Ben said quickly. “I just think we need to talk.”

Joe didn’t look any less concerned at that. He clambered off Ben’s lap and settled cross legged on the sofa, facing him. Ben drew his knees up to his chest and shifted a little closer to Joe.

“What does this mean to you?” he asked. 

“What do you mean?”

“This-“ Ben gestured to the space between them. “The kissing and- does it mean something to you or is it just for fun. I’m not going to judge you either way but please tell me because I have to know.”

 _So that if it means nothing to you, I can deal with it and stop getting my hopes up._ He thought to himself.

Joe looked taken aback at Ben’s bluntness. “Well I- does it mean something to you?”

“I asked you first.”

He grinned nervously at that. “That’s true, you did. And it, uh- was more than just a bit of fun- to me- you know?”

Joe blushed and ducked his head, the way he always did when he was embarrassed and wanted to avoid eye contact. Ben reached for his hand to thread their fingers together and Joe looked up sharply. 

“Yeah,” Ben said. “I know.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Joe said. He looked at Ben with a kind of fond exasperation.

“Why didn’t you?” Ben retorted. He knew exactly why he hadn’t said anything but he preferred not to think about that right now. 

Joe shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d want to, you know, be in a relationship with me,” he said shyly. He looked up at Ben, head tilted slightly to one side, waiting for him to say something.

“I-" Ben didn’t know what to say. He wanted to disagree, wanted nothing more than to tell Joe that he wanted them to be together. But he couldn’t do it; it would never work between them. He looked at Joe apologetically.

His face crumpled. “It’s fine,” he said flatly, pulling his hand from Ben’s grasp. “I get it. I don’t know why I thought you had feelings for me, I’m sorry if I’ve made things weird.” He gave an awkward cough that sounded more like a half choked sob.

Oh no. That wasn’t what Ben had meant at all. 

“No, no I didn’t mean it like that Joe, you’ve got the wrong idea. I have feelings for you, of course I do. How could I not when you’re-“  
Joe interrupted him with a bitter laugh. “You don’t have to lie to me just to make me feel better Ben,” he said coldly.

“I’m not lying,” Ben said. He was desperate to prove himself to Joe so he did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed Joe’s face with both hands, forcing him to make eye contact.

“I like you,” he whispered. “I really, really like you and it scares the shit out of me but it’s true.” 

Joe blinked up at him, stunned.

“Do you believe me?” Ben asked.  
Joe nodded. “Yeah,” he said hoarsely. He cleared his throat. “Yeah I do.”

Ben felt himself grin in relief; for months he had skirted around his feelings for Joe, buried them deep and ignored their existence. He would have given anything to feel differently. But not anymore; he'd listened to Joe’s advice and now, finally, he wasn’t ashamed of himself.

Ben had never really been one to cry from happiness but at that moment he found himself blinking back the tears.

“Are you okay?” Joe’s voice broke through his thoughts. Ben rubbed at his eyes, embarrassed.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. 

“You’re crying,” Joe said. Then his eyes lit up and he grinned. “Want me to kiss it better?” he said teasingly.

Ben felt his cheeks heat up but he fought to keep his expression calm. “Go on then,” he said.

Joe’s eyes widened at that but he cupped Ben’s jaw and gently pressed their lips together, gently tracing Ben’s cheekbone with his thumb. His other hand went to the back of Ben’s neck, fingers tangling in his hair like always.

Ben reached down to wrap his arms around Joe’s hips, gently tugging him into his lap. Joe gasped in surprise and broke the kiss. Ben looked at him in concern.

“Sorry, I should have asked you first. Is this-"  
He didn’t get chance to finish that sentence as Joe moved forward to kiss him again. Ben gasped as he felt Joe lightly take his bottom lip in between his teeth.

They stayed like that for a while, kissing lazily, Ben rubbing little circles into Joe’s hips with his thumbs as they tentatively explored each other’s mouths. Eventually they broke apart, out of breath and giggling quietly.

“For the record,” Joe said. “I like you too.”

Ben laughed. “Yeah I’d worked that out for myself by now.”

Just then there was the sound of a key in the lock; Ben’s parents were home. He quickly shoved Joe off his lap and did his best to flatten his rumpled hair. They both stared straight ahead, pretending to be engrossed in the film on TV, as Ben’s parents greeted them and moved through to the study.   
As soon as they heard the door to the study close they sagged into the sofa cushions in relief and hurried upstairs in case Ben’s parents decided to come back out.

*

“Ben?” Joe said. “Can we talk for a second?”

“Sure,” Ben said. He paused the game they were playing and shifted on the bed so he was facing Joe. 

“What’s up?” he asked.

“It’s just that-" he reached up to rub the back of his neck “-we both like each other.” Ben nodded but didn’t interrupt. “And we kissed and that was nice. So what happens now?”  
Ben looked puzzled. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Joe took a deep breath and decided to spit it out. “Does this mean we’re boyfriends now?” he said.

Ben cleared his throat awkwardly. “I- I don’t know. Do you want to be?”

Joe hesitated. What if Ben didn’t feel the same way and he ruined everything they'd started? But he'd brought the conversation up so he supposed he had to be honest.

“Yeah,” he said. “I'd like to be.”

Ben stared out of the window over Joe’s shoulder, apparently deep in thought. Joe was trying not to assume the worst but he couldn’t help but worry that he’d messed everything up.

Eventually Ben sighed. That was never a good sign. 

“Look Joe, it’s not that I don’t want to-" he looked straight at Joe “-because I really want to, okay?” Joe nodded. 

“But think about it logically, what are the chances of a long distance relationship surviving, especially when we’re so young. Maybe it’s best not to take this any further; we'd probably save ourselves a lot of hurt later on.”

Joe’s throat felt dry; he swallowed awkwardly. “You really think there’s no point in even trying?”

Ben reached over and grasped Joe’s hand tightly; Joe found himself squeezing back.

“I really like you,” Ben said. “But if we try and start a relationship now we’ll just feel lonely all the time because we’re not with each other. And eventually we’ll decide it’s not worth trying anymore and then things will be awkward between us and we’ll stop talking altogether.” Ben’s voice cracked a little but he took a deep breath and carried on. 

“I don’t think I could cope with losing you as a friend,” he said quietly.

Joe felt a familiar pricking sensation along the bridge of his nose and had to hold back the tears. “You’re being a bit pessimistic there aren’t you?” he said. He was aiming for a joking tone but it came out weak and watery.

“I’m not being pessimistic Joe I’m being realistic,” Ben retorted.

“You really think we won’t call each other every day when I go back home?” Joe said gently.

Ben sniffed. “It still won’t be enough,” he said.

“Fine,” Joe said, jutting out his chin. “I’ll call you twice a day.”

Ben managed a lukewarm laugh at that. Joe reached out and wrapped an arm around him, pulling Ben into his side. Ben laid his head on Joe’s shoulder and Joe pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“And we'll see each other whenever we go on vacation. I’ll get a job and save up for plane tickets. But no matter what happens, you’ll never lose me as a friend Ben. I promise.”  
Ben shrugged. Joe pulled away a little to look him in the eye. “What, you don’t trust me?”

Ben thought about it for a second. “I mean you were right when you told me to be true to myself about my sexuality.”

“Exactly!” Joe said, grinning. “I’m always right, so if I say we can work as boyfriends then we can work as boyfriends.”

Ben laughed but didn’t reply.

“Seriously,” Joe said “can we please at least try?”

“I want to,” Ben began.

“Then what’s stopping us?” Joe asked. “Come on Ben, you know as well as I do that we’ll regret not giving this a chance. We’ll work out okay, I know we will.”

Ben was silent for a moment. 

“Okay,” he said quietly. “We can give it a go.”

“Wait really? You’re actually saying yes?”

“Yes I’m saying yes you twat,” Ben said with a laugh. “Not that you ever asked me the question.”

Joe grinned and moved in closer, until their faces were inches apart. He’d never fully appreciated how pretty Ben’s eyes were, they reminded him of the light catching on the water inside a cave his dad had taken him to explore many years ago.

“Benjamin Hardy, will you be my boyfriend?”  
“As long as you promise never to call me Benjamin again then yes, I will.”

Joe laughed and pulled his boyfriend- nice word, boyfriend, he liked the sound of it- in for a kiss. 


	18. In which Joe meets the wives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben introduces Joe to some very important people in his life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter today guys; I ended up breaking this chapter in half because I wanted to give you guys an update since you've been so wonderfully patient and supportive <3 
> 
> I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has left kudos, comments or messages on Instagram. You're probably tired of hearing me say this but your support is the reason I've stuck at writing this fic. Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of the first chapter and I never thought I would still be writing this fic now, I was expecting to give up after a few chapters. 
> 
> Reading your lovely messages has given me the inspiration to keep going with this fic and develop the story way beyond my original idea and I'm so grateful to each and every one of you <3 <3
> 
> Okay enough of me being a sap, let's get on with the chapter :)

“Nervous?”

“No,” Joe scoffed. “Why would I be nervous?” he added quickly.

“Well first of all, that reaction,” Ben said with a laugh. “And ever since I mentioned my friends were gonna be there you’ve been...quiet. It’s highly unusual not to have you consistently pestering me.”

“Hey!” Joe said, bumping Ben’s shoulder with a smile. “The sound of my voice is music to your ears.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Come on, admit it. You’ve missed me talking to you.”

“Joe, you were quiet for about ten minutes.”

“You still missed me.”

Ben smiled at him fondly. “Shut up,” he said.   
He’d originally hoped to get ice cream in the park with his friends; he’d even thought that they could take the tube into the centre of London and give Joe a little sightseeing tour.

Unfortunately, the English weather had other ideas. The iron grey clouds had kept up a relentless drizzle throughout the morning. It seemed getting coffee together would have to suffice.

They caught sight of the Starbucks as they rounded the corner. Joe tightened his grip on Ben’s hand, squeezing so hard Ben felt as though his fingers were being crushed. He stopped walking and turned to look at Joe, eyebrows raised slightly.

“Sorry.”

“Joe, are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine I just- I want them to like me, you know?”

“And they will, don’t worry.” 

“Easy for you to say,” Joe retorted. “You’re not meeting your new boyfriend’s scary friends for the first time.”

Ben laughed. “They’re not that scary.”

Joe shook his head. “You told me they fought off a whole pack of bullies for you and that they can make someone curl up and die in like three sentences.”

“Well yeah but they only do that with dickheads. You’re not a dickhead.”

“Thanks,” Joe said dryly. 

“Besides,” Ben said. “Ever since I told them about you they’ve been really excited to meet you. They want to be friends Joe, you have nothing to worry about.”

Joe still looked a little uncertain. Ben leaned forward to press a swift kiss to his cheek. Joe blushed and ducked his head. Ben gently tilted his chin up with two fingers, forcing Joe to meet his eyes.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. Just be yourself and they’ll love you.”

 _It worked on me_ he thought to himself.

“Okay-” Joe said finally; Ben smiled at him. “-let's get this over with,” he continued.

Ben let out an exaggerated sigh but reached out his hand anyway. Joe took it with a small smile and together they walked into the coffee shop.

Once they had got their drinks, he quickly scanned the tables in the back corner (where Gwilym's text had informed him his friends would be.) He spotted Gwil and Amy waving to him and began making his way across the shop, weaving around tables and chairs and tugging on Joe’s hand to pull him along. 

“Hi,” Amy said brightly once they reached the table. 

“Hi guys,” Ben said. Anna and Amber, who'd been having their own conversation, looked up at the sound of Ben’s voice. Ben followed their gaze and realised they were staring quizzically at Joe.

“Oh, this is, uh, my- my new boyfriend. Joe.”  
Joe awkwardly raised a hand in greeting, cheeks reddening slightly.

Anna and Amber were staring at Joe, as though trying to process that he was actually standing in front of them. Amy was grinning at Ben, she was almost visibly shaking with excitement.

It was Gwilym who broke the silence. “Hi Joe,” he said, reaching up to pat his arm. “How are you mate?”

“I’m good, yeah,” Joe said distractedly. He seemed to have got himself into a kind of nervous staring contest with Anna and Amber, none of them wanting to be the first to look away. 

“Anyway,” Amy said loudly, causing all three of them to blink and looked at her. “It’s so nice to finally meet you Joe, Ben’s told us a _lot_ about you.”

Joe laughed nervously. “All good I hope,” he said.

“Oh yeah, it was all _very_ good,” Amy said with a mischievous grin. 

“Shut up Amy,” Ben groaned.

“Oh no, go on.” Joe said, his grin just as wide as Amy’s. “Tell me everything Ben’s been saying about me.”

Ben buried his face in his hands.

“Hang on,” Gwilym said, casting his eyes around the table. Then he nudged Amy. “We’ve only got one spare chair here,” he said.

Amy giggled. “Oh how unfortunate,” she said. 

“And I don’t think there’s any spare chairs near us either,” Anna said, propping her chin on her hand and leaning over the table. 

“So that means someone’s gonna have to-" Gwilym tailed off but the implication behind his words was clear; someone would have to sit on someone else’s lap. All three of them turned to look at Ben and Joe.

The _bastards_.

Ben turned to look at Joe too; his cheeks were turning red again. Ben could feel himself getting hot under the collar. They’d held hands out on the street, sure. But they’d never gone as far as sitting on each other’s laps in public; he didn’t want to make Joe uncomfortable.

He looked properly at Joe again, eyebrows raised in question, to find Joe looking at him with a similar expression. Ben opened his mouth to speak-

“Oh are we a chair short?” Amber said loudly. She stood up and plonked herself down into Anna’s lap. Then she looked up and gestured to Joe. “Here, have my seat.”

Amy elbowed Amber in the ribs but Anna didn’t look too bothered by the change in seating arrangements. Gwilym was smirking into his cup of coffee. Ben sat down next to him, with Joe on his other side. 

“So Joe,” Anna said, “Ben never told us, how did you guys get to know each other?”

“Oh I don’t know him that well,” Joe said. “Met him in the men’s room at the airport but he’s a good bloke.”

Gwilym laughed. The girls looked confused. Ben elbowed Joe’s side playfully. 

“Ignore him, he’s being stupid,” he said. “We actually met on Instagram a few months ago.”

“Yeah Ben saw one of my videos on YouTube and he was so captivated by my beautiful face that he just _had_ to send me a message.”

“Um, you messaged me first.”

“Only because you chickened out.”

“I did _not_ chicken out! You saw my profile picture and were so desperate to talk to me you beat me to it.”

Suddenly Anna and Amber started giggling, shocking the two of them into silence.

“What’s so funny?” Gwilym asked, grinning at them.

“Nothing, it’s just-" Anna began. Then she looked back at Amber as if unsure whether to go ahead and say it.

“Oh no keep talking,” said Amy. “We all wanna hear this now.”

“It’s not that funny really,” Anna said.  
“But Joe and Ben were arguing like an old married couple and it made us laugh.”

Ben, who had just been taking a sip from his coffee, choked on his drink. He doubled over, throat burning from the sudden intake of hot coffee. He felt someone, probably Gwilym, banging him on the back and laughing.

Eventually he recovered and resurfaced, cheeks burning. “I’m okay,” he said weakly.

Joe laughed. “I’m almost offended that you found the idea of marrying me so repulsing.”

“Oh get over yourself,” Ben said. But when Joe wrapped an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer to his side he went willingly enough.

“Alright I think we should stop interrogating the poor boys about their relationship now,” Amy said. 

“Yeah let’s interrogate Joe about his life instead,” Amber said. Everyone laughed, even if Joe did so a little nervously.

“You sound amazing in those covers you do on your channel Joe,” Anna said, smiling at him. “How long have you been playing music?”

“Wait, you guys have seen my YouTube channel?” Joe looked at them in disbelief.

“Yeah Ben and Gwil showed us a few videos,” Amber said.

“We knew you meant a lot to Gwil and especially to Ben so we wanted to find out a bit more about you,” Amy said, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I hope that doesn’t make us sound really creepy, we didn’t mean to come across that way,” she added hurriedly.

“No, no I get it,” Joe said hastily. “And it was actually really sweet of you.” He turned to Anna. “To answer your question, I started learning guitar when I was 9, I think. So I’ve been playing for maybe 7 years. I decided to try the bass when I was about 14. I think I asked for a bass guitar for my 14th birthday actually.”

“No way have you only been playing for 2 years,” Amber said. “You were so good on that Killer Queen cover you guys did a couple of weeks ago.”

“Nearly 3 years,” Joe said, staring down at the table. “But thanks,” he said, looking up at Amber and smiling. She smiled back.

On his other side, Ben felt Amy leaning across Gwilym. “I can see why you like him,” she whispered in his ear. “He’s cute when he gets complimented.”

 _He’s cute all the time_ , Ben thought to himself. “Oh shut up,” he said instead. 

He looked over at Joe, who was now giving the group an animated retelling of a story involving his chemistry teacher Mr. Hollander, a slingshot made our of rubber bands and a surprisingly rabid pigeon. He watched the way Joe’s eyes lit up every time he made the others laugh and every time he felt his breath catch in his throat.

It wasn’t all going to go perfectly, he knew that. _They_ weren’t perfect. 

But Joe was trying so hard for him. He’d been so desperate to make a good impression on the girls because he knew how much they meant to him and now here he was, talking with them and laughing with them and seeming to fit in perfectly.

Then again, he had always fit in perfectly. As he looked back on it, Ben realised Joe had this way of filling all of the empty spaces in his life, of always knowing and becoming exactly what he needed. 

He wasn’t perfect. Joe wasn’t perfect. But maybe, Ben thought, they could be perfect for each other. And maybe, just maybe, that could be enough. 

It wasn’t going to be easy, this thing with Joe, he knew that. But he didn’t care. Because now, he realised that it was going to be worth it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shamelessly stole the men's room joke from Joe's Instagram please don't kill me :)
> 
> Also some of you may have seen my latest post on Instagram but for those of you who haven't, I'm only planning to write 2 more chapters of this fic since I feel like the story is coming to a natural conclusion.
> 
> However I'm going to upload a separate one-shot in the same universe which will act as an epilogue and I was also thinking of writing a short fic about the years in between the end and the epilogue so keep an eye out for those :)


	19. In which a few things get resolved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are being made for the future but Joe and Ben are forced to reconnect with faces from their pasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG chapter today guys, to make up for the slow updates. Next chapter will be the last one of the main fix but I plan to continue the story with little ficlets and one shots so stay tuned :)

“I mean it’s about time you had an awkward ‘meet the friends’ moment Joe,” Lucy said with a laugh. “You can’t have everyone like you straight away.”

Joe scoffed. “It wasn’t awkward,” he said. “I was totally cool around them.”

He saw Ben looking at him pointedly out of the corner of his eye. “I was,” he added defensively.

“Sure you were love,” Ben said. Joe looked at him sharply to see Ben smiling gently at him.

Seeing Joe’s face, Ben frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Joe said, a little too quickly. Ben raised his eyebrows. “It’s just- you called me love.”

Ben’s cheeks went pink. “Oh god I did, didn’t I?” he said. “I didn’t mean to- you know, it sort of just...slipped out. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“Oh no, no you didn’t...I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all,” Joe said. “I, uh, I don’t mind it,” he clarified, hand grasping the back of his neck. 

“You don’t?”

“No. You can do it again, if you want to.”

“Alright then _love_.” Ben was grinning at him.

“Shut up,” Joe said softly, playfully shoving Ben’s shoulder. 

“If you insist,” Ben said. He threw an arm around Joe’s shoulders, tugging him into his side. Joe made a half-hearted grunt of protest but relaxed against him anyway. He felt Ben leave a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Can you two stop being so disgustingly cute?” Rami said. “You’re making me and Lucy look inferior.”

Joe laughed and Ben joined in after a beat.

“Sorry man," Joe said. "We can’t help being the better couple.”

“Oh you really wanna go there Mazzello?” Rami said, but he was grinning. He rose from his chair a little and leaned closer to the camera. “ _Do you_?”

“Yeah I really do,” Joe retorted, grinning back.

“Woah okay boys how about we don’t start getting competitive up in here?” Lucy said, placing a hand on Rami’s shoulder and pulling him back to his seat. “You told me the last time you let a competition get out of hand, you didn’t speak to each other for three weeks.”

“What do you mean?” Ben asked.

Joe laughed. “Oh in 8th grade we had to make this short film for a project,” he said. “It was about surviving the apocalypse or something. Rami and I both wanted to play the lead.”

“We ended up doing all these ridiculous survival skills challenges to see who would be a better fit for the part,” Rami said. “Only we kept trying to sabotage each other and we both got really paranoid; I guess we stopped trusting each other for a bit.”

“So we didn’t speak to each other while we were making the film,” Joe said. “But once the whole thing was over we realised we were both being jerks and we apologised.”

“Haven’t had a fight since, have we honey?” Rami said with a smirk. 

Joe laughed. “No, I guess we haven’t.”

“Wait so who got the main part?” Ben asked.

Joe heard Lucy groan.

“Oh I did,” he said. “Our teacher decided I was way better than Rami at the whole doomsday survivalist gag.”

“Um, no he did not,” Rami said. “It was the other kids in the group who picked you, Mr. Myers never had anything to do with it.”

“Okay but that doesn’t change the fact that I beat you.”

“Well the other kids only picked you because you bribed them with Pop Tarts and Pokémon trading cards,”

“What was that you said about not having had a fight since?” 

Joe looked away from Rami. Ben was laughing at them. Lucy was pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Now look what you’ve started Ben,” she said, half amused, half exasperated.

“Aw c'mon Luce,” Rami said, draping an arm around her shoulders. “We’re just messing around, you know that.”

“Yeah I do,” Lucy said. “I’m just realising how annoying the two of you will be when Joe gets back to the US.”

Rami laughed. “Yep, soon you’re gonna have to put up with this shit from us every day,” he said. “Someone should get you a medal. Right Joe?” he said, looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah they should,” Joe said, but his voice sounded flat even to his own ears. Hearing Rami and Lucy talk about him coming home had reminded him of the precious little time he had left in England, with Ben. 

He’d known, of course, that their time was limited; it was the only reason he had been so open about his feelings for Ben in the first place. But now it seemed to sink in for the first time that he only had a few days left to spend with his new boyfriend.

He suddenly found himself dreading the day he’d have to return home.

“-just have to hold out until Christmas then,” Lucy was saying. “At least when Ben comes over I’ll have someone sane to talk to.”

“Wait what?” Joe said, jolted back into the conversation. “Did you just say ‘when Ben comes over for Christmas?’ “

“Uh, yeah,” Lucy said. “We talked about this ages ago.”

“No we didn’t.”

“No, we definitely did Joe,” Rami said, squeezing Lucy’s shoulder. “I told you like a week and a half ago. I invited Gwilym to come stay with me for the holidays and he said yes so I asked you to invite Ben too; you said you'd ask him.”

Joe screwed up his face in concentration but he had no recollection of that conversation.

“You do remember, right Joe?” Rami said, “I called you after your first weekend in England, mentioned it then.”

Eventually his brain managed to dredge up a hazy memory a call with Rami; the trip to the Olympic Park Ben had taken him on as soon as he’d hung up the phone; the hours they’d spent in Ben’s old treehouse, huddled under a blanket and finally allowing themselves to tentatively explore this captivating new Feeling blooming between them.

“Yeah, I kinda forgot about it,” he said. 

“Oh no worries,” Lucy said. “You can just ask him now.”

“Alright,” Joe said. He turned to look at Ben.

“Wanna come over for Christmas?” he asked.

“That’s it?” Lucy said. “I thought you were gonna come out with something all cutesy and romantic.”

“You could have at least got down on one knee man,” Rami added, everyone laughed.

“Nah, he’s a man of few words,” Ben said, grinning at them. 

“So are you gonna answer the question?” Joe said after a moment.

“Shhh, I’m thinking about it,” Ben said, fixing Joe with an irritating smirk. “Weighing up the pros and cons, you know.”

“Bastard.”

“You wouldn’t have me any other way,” Ben said without missing a beat.

Joe said nothing. Ben was right but he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. Instead he stuck his bottom lip out, making exaggerated puppy eyes at Ben.

Ben laughed. “Alright _fine_ ,” he said. “I’ll come stay with you over Christmas, happy now?”

“ _Very_ ,” Joe said with a grin. 

*

“So, what’s Christmas like at your house?” Ben asked him, swinging their joined hands slightly as they walked.

“Oh it’s huge,” Joe said, a warm tingling sensation filling his body just from the thought. “My whole family comes over and everyone brings their kids and friends and fiancées; last year there were so many people downstairs you could hardly move.”

Upstairs had been quiet though; too quiet. He remembered the jarring sounds of his footsteps on the creaky floorboards as he entered the uneasy silence of his parents bedroom, curtains drawn against the weak December sun. 

He remembered how his father had smiled once he caught sight of him. He’d been exhausted, he'd hardly touched the plate of food Joe had brought up for him but the hour he spent sitting on the bed with his dad, listening to stories of Christmases long gone had been like the eye of the storm; he’d been able to kid himself, just for that one hour, that everything would be okay.

“Joe?” Ben said. “I lost you there for a second.” He laughed uncertainly. “Is everything alright?”

For a brief moment, Joe considered saying yes. But he'd lied to Ben like this before, he wasn’t going to do it again. He tugged Ben over to a nearby park bench and sat down, pulling Ben with him.

“I was just...this Christmas will be the first one since- the first one without my dad, you know?” he said. Ben nodded, looking at him expectantly.

“I don’t know.” Joe said flatly. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, or what should happen. I can’t just pretend nothing’s changed but...the week right after he- after it happened, it was the worst week of my life. Everything just felt so...meaningless. I never want to feel like that again.

“I...feel like I’m moving on too fast. There have been days where I’ve hardly thought about him and I feel guilty. I don’t know why. He’d- he wouldn’t want me to feel sad about it but sometimes it feels wrong to feel so happy when he’s-"

His voice cracked, then the rest of him did. A torrent of emotion he hadn’t even been aware he’d been bottling up came bursting forth and he was sobbing harder than he had in months.

He felt Ben’s strong arms wrap around his back and suddenly he was being tugged into a fierce embrace. One of Ben’s hands came up to cradle the back of his neck and he buried his face in his shoulder, slumping into his side.

He tried to focus on the feel of Ben rubbing his back and eventually his breathing evened out, the choked sobs turning into sniffs and hiccoughs. 

“Better?” Ben asked, brushing a strand of hair back from Joe’s face.

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat.

“You want my advice?” Ben asked.

“Please.”

“You’re not insulting your father’s memory by learning to cope without him,” Ben said. “It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting or moving on.

“There’s no right way to handle something like this but I think you’re doing incredible, honest. I should have told you this sooner, love but I’m proud of how far you’ve come.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” Ben said, leaning closer so their lips brushed as he spoke. “I am.” 

“Oi Hardy! Is that you?” a voice yelled.

Ben pulled away and jerked his head towards the source of the voice. It belonged to a tall, muscly guy with closely-cropped brown hair, who was glaring down at Ben with disgust etched across every inch of his face. 

“Always knew you were a fag,” the tall guy was saying. “Now I can show some of the lads on the team the photos I got of you and your little fairy. Maybe I could stick ‘em up in the changing rooms. You won’t last long on the rugby team after that, the others won’t want to get changed with a pervert.”

Joe started towards the guy, fists clenched, but Ben grabbed his arm and held him back. 

“Shut the fuck up Tom,” he spat. “And leave Joe out of it.” 

“Can’t speak for himself can he?” Tom sneered. “Not that I’m surprised, the way he looks. And we all thought you’d be the one taking it up the arse Hardy-"

Ben stood up from the bench and grabbed Tom by the scruff of the neck, yanking him closer so they were face to face. 

“Leave us alone,” he said. “If you come near me ever again I’ll bash your face in.”

“You’re gonna regret making that threat soon pretty boy,” Tom said, his voice almost a growl. 

“What are you gonna do?” Ben said. “I told the whole school I’m a fucking faggot, you’ve got nothing on me anymore.

"But in case you’ve forgotten,” Ben’s voice had turned eerily quiet. “I’ve got a couple of secrets about you I’m sure everyone would be dying to hear about."

Tom’s face drained of colour but his look of horror was quickly replaced by one of rage. “You little-“

“Relax Tommy,” Ben said with a smirk. “I can keep my mouth shut. You stay the fuck away from me and no one will ever need to know you’re-"

“Fine.” Tom grunted. “But you’d _better_ not tell anyone.” And with that he turned and sloped off down the hill.

*

“Ben?” 

“Yeah?” Ben said, wrapping the blanket tighter around both their bodies.

“You know that guy who came up to us in the park earlier, was that...”

“Tom? The one who made every rugby practice a living hell for a whole year? Yeah, that was him.”

Joe wished Ben hadn’t held him back when he moved to hit Tom; he wanted nothing more than to make him suffer for everything he’d done to Ben.

“I can’t believe he just walked off when you threatened him,” he said. “What is it you know about him that he’s so keen to keep secret?”

Ben didn’t reply immediately, he cast his eyes around the bare wooden walls (they were in the treehouse again,) chewing his bottom lip. 

Joe shuffled closer to Ben and took his hand, rubbing his thumb over Ben’s knuckles. 

“You can tell me, you know that,” he said. “I won’t judge you.”

“Alright,” Ben said. “Tom kissed me once.”

“What the _fuck_?” Joe tried to think past the sledgehammer of shock driving into his brain. “When did this happen?”

“It was ages ago,” Ben said. “Before I met you. He always was a bit of a prick but I couldn't help having a bit of a crush on him. And the gay jokes used to be just...jokes. I’d put up with them; if I mentioned it bothered me they’d think I really was gay and I didn’t know how they’d react to that- my guess was not well.

“And then one of the guys had a party, we'd won some trophy and they wanted to celebrate, and I was getting another drink in the kitchen when he walked in. He had this- this look in his eye, I don’t know how to describe it. Anyway I said hi and suddenly he’d pushed me up against the counter and he was kissing me. It was wonderful but I had this nagging doubt at the back of my mind, saying I should stay away from people like him.

“So I pulled away, said I was sorry but I didn’t like him like that and his eyes- they sort of hardened. And he started laughing, saying did I think he fancied me, did I think he was gay. Because he wasn’t. And I felt bad for him so I said alright, you’re not gay but there’s nothing wrong with it if you are you know.

"And then he shoved me so hard I cracked my head on one of the cupboards and he- he said he wasn’t a fag like me. Said it was all for fun, just a joke and if I told anyone about it he’d break my legs.

“He got worse after that. I couldn’t tell any of his mates about what happened to try and get one on him, he’d only twist it around and make it look like I made a pass at him not the other way round. Then they’d all know I was- you know- and I was terrified of what they’d do if they had any kind of proof.”

“Shit,” Joe said, at a loss for words. He pulled Ben down so his head was resting in Joe’s lap and ran his fingers lightly through Ben’s hair. He said nothing about the sudden wetness seeping through his jeans.

Eventually Ben sat up, his eyes a little red and puffy. “I’m sorry,” he said. “For being so scared to be your boyfriend. It wasn’t you, I promise it-"

“It’s okay,” Joe said quickly. “I’d be worried about getting hurt too.”

“I guess I’m just waiting for you to turn around and tell me none of this was real,” Ben said and Joe felt his heart shatter a little. “I keep trying to tell myself that you’re not him, that this is gonna be different-"

“And it’s working. I mean you said yes didn’t you?”

Ben smiled. “I guess I did, yeah.”

“So you keep on telling yourself that it’s different this time and everything will turn out okay,” Joe said, pecking him on the lips. 

Ben grinned and Joe grinned back. Then he closed his eyes and leaned forward to connect their lips again. 

The two of them were late for dinner that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I was gonna end this fic without bringing their inner demons back one last time did you :) hope you enjoyed


	20. In which it's time to say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Joe to return home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I took over a month to update. I've been pretty busy with life this month and when I did find the time to write I had trouble balancing the angst with the happy ending :)
> 
> So we've reached the final chapter. Gotta be honest with you I never thought I'd manage to finish this fic but here we are. 
> 
> I'll mention specific people in the end notes but I want to thank each and every one of you who had read this, left kudos and comments or messaged me on Instagram to tell me they were enjoying the story. Your support is the reason I kept going with this story and writing it has been such an incredible experience for me; I can't describe how grateful I am to you all <3

“How many times do I have to tell you? It’s called football.”

“You can tell me that as many times as you want, I’m still gonna call it soccer.”

Ben made a show of rolling his eyes and Joe elbowed him playfully in the ribs as they ambled towards the park gate. 

“But where the hell do you even get the word soccer from?” Ben said after a minute.

Joe groaned. “Are you really going to bring this up again?” he asked.  
 

“Football just makes so much more _sense_ ,” Ben said. Apparently he _was_ going to bring it up again. “You’re literally kicking a ball with your feet. And we invented it; we should get to decide what it’s called.” He smiled smugly at Joe as if to prove his point.

They were walking through a small cluster of trees. Joe looked at Ben, still smirking at him, and made up his mind. He placed his hands on Ben’s shoulders and pushed him up against the nearest trunk.

“You’re getting pretty annoying, you know that?” he said, taking Ben’s wrists in his hands and pinning them either side of his head. Ben looked at him, stunned. 

“I was just kidding,” he half-whispered. “I thought you knew that.”

“I did,” Joe said with a slight shrug. Then he grinned. “But I’ll take any excuse to get you pushed up against a tree.”

Ben laughed. “Bastard,” he said fondly. 

“You love it,” Joe replied without missing a beat. He leaned forwards to connect their lips.

“Joe stop,” Ben said, turning his head away.  
“What’s wrong?” he said, releasing Ben’s wrists with a frown.

Ben rolled his eyes again. “We’re in a public park for God’s sake,” he said. “There are children over there-" he pointed to the kids’ play area “-who could see us and I think their parents would have something to say about that.”

“We’ll be fine,” Joe said. “The kids are busy making some shit in the sandpit, they’re not gonna be looking into the trees.”   
Ben bit his lip, looking up at the canopy over their heads.

“Come on Ben, stop worrying.” Joe said. “Besides-" his voice turned serious “-I’m leaving tomorrow; who knows when I’ll next get to kiss you? Let’s enjoy it while we can.”  
Ben smiled a little sadly. “I hate it when you’re right,” he said. 

Joe laughed softly. “You should be used to it by now,” he said, leaning forward again. Ben didn’t pull away this time.

Joe reached down and took Ben’s right hand in his left, interlocking their fingers and smiling when Ben squeezed his hand in response. His right hand moved to Ben’s shoulder as he reached up to press a tentative kiss to Ben’s warm lips. 

Ben kissed him back, letting go of Joe’s hand to loop an arm around his waist, pulling him even closer. 

Joe ran his tongue along Ben’s bottom lip, rough from his nervous habit of biting it, and took it gently between his teeth. Ben exhaled shakily as Joe cupped his face in his hands, occasionally rubbing a thumb along his cheekbone.

Joe had to fight the urge to moan when Ben wound his arms around Joe’s neck, fingers weaving into his hair and pulling.  
When they eventually broke apart, Joe placed a soft kiss on the corner of Ben’s mouth. “Woah,” he said.

“Yeah,” Ben agreed. “That was...yeah.”

Joe met his eyes. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

Ben grinned. “I think so.”

“Race you to the swings?”

“Bet I can swing higher than you.”

“Oh it’s _on_ Hardy,” Joe laughed. “On your marks, get set-" he started sprinting through the trees towards the play park. “Go!” he yelled over his shoulder, laughing at the look of shock on Ben’s face.

“Cheat!” Ben shouted, running to catch him up.

*

Time was a funny thing, Ben thought. He hated how it could make every minute of a rugby practice with Tom seem like an hour of drawn-out torture while two whole weeks with Joe had fluttered past him like the brush of a butterfly’s wings. 

The walk from the park back to his house, the farewell dinner his parents had prepared, the morning spent curled up together on the sofa, the journey to the airport had seemed to last a few seconds combined. And now he was here, gripping Joe’s hand like a vice with Gwilym trailing along at his side, about to say goodbye.

Needless to say, he wasn’t ready.

Despite Ben dragging his feet the whole way through the airport, they eventually reached security. Ben and Gwil couldn’t accompany Joe any further. Their time was up, whether Ben was ready or not.

Gwilym stepped forward first, pulling Joe into a tight hug, one hand rumpling up the back of his hair and laughing at Joe’s half-meant groan of protest. 

“See you at Christmas Joe,” Gwil said. “I’ll call you at the weekend yeah?”

“Works for me,” Joe said. “I’m gonna miss you man.”

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Gwilym said. He squeezed Joe’s shoulder then turned to look at Ben. “I’ll go wait with your parents alright?”

Ben nodded. “I’ll meet you back there.”

Gwil smiled at them both and went back the way they had come. He raised a hand in farewell before rounding the corner. Ben saw Joe half raise his hand in response but then he lowered it slowly, evidently realising that Gwilym could no longer see him.

Ben stepped a little closer and ran and gentle hand through Joe’s hair, smoothing out the stands Gwil had messed up. Joe tilted his head up and their eyes met. The underlying sadness that seemed to lurk in Joe’s pretty hazel eyes formed a lump in Ben’s throat. He swallowed uncomfortably, panicked by the sudden stinging sensation across the bridge of his nose. 

Joe seemed to understand. He took Ben’s face in his hands and tugged him into a kiss. Ben closed his eyes and allowed each gentle brush of lips to steady his breathing. He tried to pretend he was somewhere else, somewhere they didn’t have to stop.

Too soon, Joe pulled away and wrapped his arms tight around Ben. Ben allowed himself to be held for a few moments, resting his chin on top of Joe’s head. He dropped a kiss into Joe’s hair, grinning when he felt the warm puff of Joe’s laughter against his throat. 

Joe stepped back and picked up his bag. “I’ll miss the flight if I stay any longer,” he said.   
Ben nodded. “Go,” he said gently, rubbing his thumb over Joe’s cheekbone before cupping his cheek and tilting it upwards. Joe laughed again as Ben leaned down. Their lips met once, twice, three times before Joe pushed Ben away. 

“I really have to go,” he said with a grin. 

“Well then go,” Ben said, grinning back. “It’s not like I’m holding you back.”

“You are. You keep kissing me.”

“You keep kissing back.”

“Asshole.”

“Wanker.”

Joe smiled at him, an ghost of the dazzling, million-dollar grin which had first melted Ben’s heart all those months ago. He suddenly felt like he had to say something.

“Joe I-" his voice faltered.

“Yeah?” Joe looked up at him expectantly. Ben cleared his throat.

“Message me on Instagram when you get back?” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Joe’s eyes lit up. “Yeah,” he said breathlessly. “Yeah okay.”

Ben surged forward, wrapping him in a hug. Neither of them said anything, but held him fiercely, grip tight on the back of his jacket. Ben buried his face in Joe’s hair, feeling it tickle his cheek and breathing in the scent of Joe's shampoo.

He pulled back after only a few seconds. He wondered how many freckles Joe had, whether it was possible to count them. He’d never tried. He closed his eyes as Joe swiftly pecked his lips again. 

His eyelids fluttered open. Joe had taken a step back and was biting his lip awkwardly.

“I don’t know how to say goodbye,” he said quietly.

“Then don’t,” Ben said. “You don’t have to.”

“Okay,” Joe said. He turned and walked through the entrance to security.

Ben set off briskly down the corridor in the other direction. As he rounded the corner he looked back over his shoulder but Joe was already lost in the crowd. 

*

Joe trudged through the double doors and into the arrivals hall of the airport, still swarming with people even as the sun began to dip below the horizon. He smiled in spite of himself, it felt good to be home.

“Joe! Over here!”

His head snapped to the left at the sound of Rami’s voice and he saw his best friend grinning at him from where he was leaning against the wall in the corner of the room, Lucy at his side. 

He started to walk towards them, speeding up unconsciously as he got closer. And then he was running and Rami was running too and they met in the middle, colliding in a fierce hug, gripping each other tightly.

“Looks like someone missed me,” he said with a laugh when they pulled back after a few moments. 

“Oh you have no idea,” Lucy said, stepping forward and tugging Joe into another hug.

“He was moping around the whole time complaining about how much he missed you.”

“Shut up Lucy, you’re embarrassing me.” Rami was laughing.

“It’s alright,” Joe said, pulling away from Lucy to look at them both properly. “I missed you both like crazy.”

“Still I bet there were other...compensations” Lucy said with an exaggerated wink. Next to her, Rami snorted with laughter.

“Yeah you and Ben were looking pretty close,” he said. Joe could tell he was trying to appear casual but his eyes were shining at the anticipation of hearing all the details.  
“I guess you could say that,” Joe said with a cryptic smile.

“So?” Rami prompted.

“So what?” he asked with a smirk.

“So, did you ask him out?” Lucy said, appearing every bit as eager as her boyfriend.

Joe was silent for a moment, grinning at the looks of anticipation on Rami and Lucy’s faces. 

“Yeah I did,” he said finally. 

Rami cheered, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Lucy muttered something that sounded like ‘about fucking time’ but she was smiling.

“Woah guys, you don’t even know if he said yes yet.”

“Of course he said yes Joe, he’s not an idiot,” Lucy said. 

“We could all tell he was crazy about you man,” Rami said with a smile.

“Huh. Could have told me,” Joe said. “Would have saved me a lot of worrying.”

The others just laughed. He guessed it didn’t really matter anymore; him and Ben had made it regardless. 

He slung one arm around Lucy, the other around Rami and together they walked through the exit and out into the car park, where his mom was waiting for them. 

*

Night had truly fallen by the time Joe was dragging his feet up the stairs to his bedroom, having dropped Lucy and Rami off at their respective houses. He set his suitcase down in the corner of the room; he would worry about unpacking it tomorrow. 

There was a quiet knock on his door. After his mumbled “come in,” his mom stepped inside.

“What’s up?” he asked her.

“ _What’s up_?” she repeated incredulously. “What’s up is that I haven’t seen you in two weeks; I missed you.”

She opened her arms and he grinned, accepting the hug. 

“Missed you too mom.”

“So how was England? Did you have a good time?”

“You could say that,” he said, smiling to himself.

He wanted to tell her everything, all about the boy who had stumbled awkwardly across the ruins of his life and had filled the empty spaces until Joe could no longer imagine life without him. But he didn’t know how to say it. 

“Mom,” he began tentatively. “Would it be alright if Ben came over for Christmas?” 

She smiled then, and something in her eyes told him she understood. 

“Of course honey,” she said. “That would be wonderful.”

*

Ben sat at the breakfast table, fighting the urge to check his Instagram DMs for what felt like the 50th time that hour. His parents had done a decent job at hiding disapproval at him for bringing his phone to the table but their smiles still looked a little strained. 

Finally, his parents pushed their plates away and he was free to head back up to his room. Why they’d decided to eat breakfast together as a family today of all days he didn’t know.   
He hurriedly stood up and pushed his chair under, walking quickly towards the door.

“Ben!”

He resisted the urge to sigh, turning around to face his parents with his own forced smile. 

“Yeah?”

“This isn’t exactly an easy thing for us to say to you Ben,” his father began. “But we couldn’t help but notice that your relationship with Joe seems to be...uh-"

“-more than platonic.” His mother interjected.

Ben felt his cheeks heating up. “Oh,” he said. “Well, yeah. I...uh-“

“It’s okay son,” his father said quickly. Your mother and I, we’re incredibly happy for you.”

“He’s a lovely boy,” his mother added. “You chose well there sweetheart.”

Ben laughed quietly. “Yeah. S'pose I did.”

“And I just wanted to tell you that we’re...proud of you.” His dad was biting his lip a little; when their eyes met, Ben found himself doing the same. “It can’t have been easy, standing up and being who you are like that. I’m not sure I would have been brave enough.”

“It wasn’t that hard, not really,” Ben found himself saying. “He makes it easier.”

Unsure what else to say, he nodded to his parents and retreated to his room. 

He laid back on his bed, unlocking his phone to find he had a message. And even after all these months, even after a week of kissing him practically every waking minute, Ben’s heart still skipped in his chest when he saw that the message was from Joe. 

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_It feels weird not having you next to me_

**ben.hardy**  

_Tell me about it_

_I already miss you so much_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_It’s only been a few hours why does it feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks_  

**ben.hardy**

_Wow look at us sending mushy love texts_

_I didn’t think we’d sink this low_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Well that’s what a week of amazing kissing will do to you_

**ben.hardy**

_Are you saying I’m an amazing kisser?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Pffftt no_

_I was obviously talking about me_

_You need to get that ego looked at Hardy_

**ben.hardy**

_Could say the same about you_

_Mazzello_  

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Okay sending the name as a separate text is just weird_  

**ben.hardy**

_Sorry_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I talked to my mom by the way_

_About you coming home for Christmas_

_She said yes_

**ben.hardy**

_Really?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Yeah_

_She says she can’t wait to meet you_  

**ben.hardy**

_I can’t wait to meet her either_  

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I’ll tell her you said that_

_She’s gonna love you_

**ben.hardy**

_You really think so_  

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_I mean she’d better cos she’s gonna be seeing you a lot in the future_

_I don’t plan on letting you get away any time soon_

**ben.hardy**

_Should I be scared?_

**joe.mazzello.is.bored**

_Probably_

_But all jokes aside I want this thing between us to last_

_Because you know I wasn’t exactly in a great place when we first met_

_And I honestly don’t know what my life would be like right now if you hadn’t shown up in it_

_You’re probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me_

Ben looked away from his phone screen, staring as the sun climbed slowly in the sky, drifting in through his open bedroom windows. Despite the tears welling up in his eyes, he was smiling wider than he thought he’d ever smiled before.

Maybe his life wasn’t going so badly after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks!
> 
> (Not really because I'm planning on uploading an epilogue, look out for that, but I wanted to say it so) 
> 
> Thank you to Amelia for helping me edit the first few chapters, and to Esther for agreeing to read this fic even though you had no idea who any of them were :) you've both been an invaluable source of motivation and support and I can't thank you enough <3
> 
> Special thanks to Alejandra and Nadia for all the wonderful messages on Instagram; you were so unbelievably sweet and you brightened my day so many times <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought in the comments, reading your supportive messages means the world to me :)
> 
> Also while writing this I took a bit of inspiration from a Dan and Phil fanfiction called Read Between The Lines by Ablissa. It's amazing and I would highly recommend you read it


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